Saturday, January 30, 2010


Orig: 01/06/09

I was thinking about my sins and confession on All Souls Day – when I heard the message about the reality of Purgatory. If you don’t know what Purgatory is, go read up on it. Suffice to say for now that it is an unexpected stop on the way to heaven, and considering how I have led my life, I would be happy to know that my final destination is heaven – period. I’ll accept any temporary stops along the way, gladly.

Considering the reality of Purgatory, I suddenly realized that by my sins I was delaying the one thing I desire most – the eternal union with the Trinity in heaven. I understand the Church’s teachings, the reflections of the saints, the visions of the mystics, that heaven is a unity with Christ. All worries, all doubts, all confusion will be gone, because all Truth, all Peace, all Love will be known to me. All my earthly searchings and yearnings will be fulfilled. Yet knowing this, eagerly looking forward to this, my time and everlasting joy, the aim and purpose of my life, I choose so often to sin. I choose to delay (or, Christ please forbid) even lose this purpose of my whole being. I choose a short-term happiness and delay my real long-term happiness. I choose sin because of my earthly focus on me and material happiness, and deny my focus on me and eternal happiness. How stupid I am.

How sweet must the poison be before I choose it?

I often wonder if I will, by my sins, choose hell. I fear my earthly weakness. Who is guaranteed being saved? Who is blessed by God? How can you tell? Even the most saintly looking people I know sometimes appear, in my tarnished judgment, to sometimes fail; they too sin.

Is there ANYONE on earth who I could say, with some conviction, is blessed by God? Then I saw a pregnant woman walk down the church aisle. Is there any other physical proof that I could see that someone is blessed? Yet, they can equally visibly choose to reject that blessing, to kill their child – visibly given witness to the world (even if only they know it) that they choose not to accept God’s blessing. I think, despite the visible reality of their rejection, that they would not know that their child was their blessing. They could think that their blessing is really a curse. How sad for them.

And what of us? How many of God’s blessings have we complained about, have we prayed to be taken from us, because in our puny thoughts of this short life, we thought our blessings were curses. How many of us think we know the will of God – we know when he blesses us; we know when he curses us. We know the will of God; we know the eternal Truth. How arrogant of us. I envy the pregnant woman. At least she has something visible to see, tangible to feel, to more easily know that she has received a blessing from God. How often am I sad and in distress because God allows so much pain in my life – or is He putting so much blessing in my life? I do not know.

My Jesus I Trust in You, who knows how to bless me always, who loves me always, who leads me to an eternal home with him – even if I am too blind to see the way, unsure if I am walking with Him, or alone.

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