As I Lay Dying

The final days we are able to spend with a friend, a parent, or a spouse are special days, a unique blessing for us. God has given us a time to be ever closer to them, intimate in our conversations, knowing they will be our last on this earth together. They are special days, as in unique, for if we use them well, we will be as close to our dear ones --- and God --- as we can be on this earth. It can be as deep a union as possible here, a foretaste of the eternal union we will share. Jesus promised this to us: We shall be one in Him. It is His eternal plan, which begins for us here on earth, but it will not end here for us, for: He goes to prepare a place for us.

Pat and I sometimes spoke during our trials: “If I should ever get to heaven …”, but it was in our joys that we spoke happily of: “Whichever of us gets to heaven first, will ….” These days, we speak more confidently about which of us that will be: Pat plans to enter a hospice program this week. Each day, each conversation may be our last --- here on earth. We used to meet on Tuesday afternoons to pray, and support each other in our trials, and to celebrate our victories. Now, I remind her, that we will no longer be restricted by this limited time and space --- and I plan to pester her for prayers anytime I am in need (which is often). “So you better not plan upon a perfectly quiet and peaceful heaven --- because I won’t leave you alone.” She laughed when I told her that, and we remembered other friends and family who over the years we’ve prayed for, and to. And then she said: “Well, you know I never did plan on just laying around and relaxing in heaven either. I plan on speaking to Jesus or His angels any time I see one of my friends wandering from the path down here, until we all meet again there. So if you stray, you’d better be expecting more lightning bolts --- or kicks in the pants --- to be hitting upon you than you ever felt before.”

And I laughed.

Pat and I these days speak honestly about our growing closeness, and our soon-to-be new relationship. And we say it and feel it in our prayers together. As we pray, it is me often voicing our prayer, and her silently saying it in her heart. This is the way it will be in the future. Tonight, and every night, as I say my rosary and meditate on its mysteries, I speak and feel as if it is us saying the prayers, reflecting on the mysteries, together, as we lay dying. (See the Glorious Mysteries post)

The sorrows and humility of this life are over. Now Glory! Like Jesus must have felt at His resurrection, soon we shall be able to say those words. No more sorrows; no more humility. Only love --- the only thing we will take with us from this life, love. But first we must face the real and spiritual burial of this life. Hail Mary, pray for us. That we might be raised.

You go to make a place for me; I stay in Your place here. Times up, Lord. I hope You have my place prepared, because I am ready for it! I’ve tried to be a good representative for You while here on earth; I hope our Father is pleased. My life has had many sorrows, most in truth, caused by me. But You know that: “Life is a trial,” and “No man is without sin” --- save one, of course, You. Now and at the hour of our death; no more sorrows, no more pain. I look forward to being with You, Lord. My journey here ends in the springtime of the year; an appropriate time, for it reminds me of You. I hear the birds singing. I hear the waiting choirs.

Lord, I need You with me; by myself I am so weak. These final days are ones of physical weaknesses, and I so hate to be a bother to hospital staff, and to my friends. I don’t want these distractions to be how they remember me. And I don’t want this old body’s weakness to distract me from you, either. When I call, but especially when I do not, Lord, be with me. I don’t want to die alone. Yea though I walk through the valley …, I shall not fear, for You are with me.

My Jesus, Who so loved me, Who I so love, I trust in You.

Lord, I believe You raised your own mother into heaven. You prepared a place for me; she prays I might take it. I prayed to Mary often in my life, asking for her to intercede for me. She knew very well the commandment You gave to us about mothers, and what it meant. You certainly did too; I rely upon that. Honor thy father and thy mother, that you might have eternal life. I do honor my Father, and also Mary, my spiritual mother. So, Lord, might I …?

I sometimes wonder how God can forgive me; but I know my mother does. Lord, you called on us to be as little children, and certainly when I am afraid, as I am now, I feel like a child. In my fear, like any child, I often turn to my mother. O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee. I trust that You will hear Your mother’s prayers for me. My Jesus, I trust in You.

My Jesus, how glorious is Your love for us. As I lay dying, I reflect on all the wisdom and love you have given me over my life. It was good. Now with my friends and family around me, we celebrate that blessing together, here, one final time. But as for me, I feel I am looking backward upon them, and there, in front of me, is the next phase of my life, where: I look forward to praising You forever.

My Jesus, I trust in You.