Who Am I?

Most people would consider me a big tipper; when they see what I leave on the table, they often comment that they think I made a mistake. Perhaps I once dated a waitress, I don’t remember, but somehow I gained a perception of how hard waiters and waitresses work. They earn their money. I usually start tipping at about 20-30%, but for lower-priced meals, like breakfasts (where I tend to drink lots of coffee), I never tip less than $5 – often more than the cost of the meal.

So I was taken aback recently when a waitress confided to me that she had “stood up for me” to other waitresses in the Coney Island that I sometimes visit for breakfast. “They said you were a grouch. I explained to them, though, that you always ask for a half-order of food because you don’t want to waste any. I told them to get over it.” I thanked her --- I guess. I was a little stunned.

I generally don’t like leftovers, except mine, and leftovers from breakfast make no sense --- eggs don’t re-heat very well. So I thought I was doing a good thing, and even saving the restaurant money when I began ordering half-orders of their breakfast menu items, and paying in full. I never thought about any inconvenience I may have caused by being different. And, to be honest, I guess sometimes I was “grouchy” when my half-order was delivered in full. Usually I asked for a separate plate and then calmly put half the food on it and handed it back to the waitress saying (politely, I thought): “I just bought you breakfast. Enjoy!” Not too cool, huh? Definitely “different,” but I never gave it much thought. My mind was stuck on the good I thought I was doing, and gave no thought to HOW I was doing it.

I remember the saying “The Lord loves a happy giver.” From the big tips to the saving of food, I think I got the “giver” part right, but I guess not the “happy” part, not if I was perceived as a grouch. (Remember how I recently wrote how important adjectives were? “Happy” giver. I guess I need to re-read that, and seriously think on it.) And I wonder how many other people I interact with each day also think of me as a grouch?

I’d like to survey the people I meet: Who do you say I am? Am I the man who prays his morning prayers before mass, sitting in the same spot each day? Am I the strange old guy who sometimes talks to animals? Am I the generous giver? Am I the man who always seems to have a stain on the front of his shirt? Am I the man who is always reading, like a book grows out of the end of his arm? Am I the man you can call at all hours, who’ll listen and comfort you if you’re having a bad night? Am I the man who writes too much, and contemplates things not worth considering? Am I the grouch?

I wonder, does ANYONE think I am like the Father, even a little bit? I believe Jesus’ Spirit resides in the soul of every man I meet, and it’s Him that I am trying to see in others. And when He looks back, I wonder: “Who do you say I am, Lord?”

I can’t change who people think I am; I can’t change them. But I can change who I am, and how much I am open to receiving God’s grace --- and then giving it away through all my actions. I want this to become natural. And as to the waitresses who started me thinking on these things? Well, perhaps I’ll simplify my orders to just coffee, to not complicate their day, or maybe I’ll tip $20 --- that might change their attitude, or at least make them open to change. But one thing I will deliberately do to them and to others, and to the Jesus I try to see in them, is: I’ll smile. I will try to smile at everyone I meet, everyone. Oh, perhaps a few will think I’m a little nutty, smiling all the time. Well, perhaps that I am.

But I’m not a grouch --- or at least I don’t want to be.

Lord, I am a weak and sinful man. I wish to be an evangelist, to bring your peace to this world, yet so often I bring disharmony. But to give your peace, I know I must first receive it. I must find your Joy in my life. I’ll look for you, in your words, in your actions, in the Eucharist, and in your children who you bring into my life.
Lord, prepare my mind and heart to accept your peace. Let my actions start with my receiving, so that others may then see you in me, and not be discouraged by only seeing me.