The man came up to me in the church, as I sat there reading
before mass. “Tom, do you study a
lot? I assume you’re taking lots of
classes because I always see you studying books.” I laughed and explained that I have always
been a reader, reading hundreds of books a year. And he went away, his curiosity satisfied.
But as I sat there I realized I had expressed my situation
wrongly.
To say that I read, or even study, implies that I am acting
that way because I perceive a benefit from doing so. When I read fiction I admit it is always for
entertainment, and I find a novel’s complexity much more entertaining than a
television show or movie that summarizes the story or only presents the “interesting”
parts. No, I enjoy the whole story. Books of faith, however, I read differently.
Now I certainly admit that I used to study books of faith,
to learn more about what Jesus said and did, to learn more about the people who
followed Him, and sometimes to seek specific answers to problems in my life. Yes, I used to study books of faith, but
somewhere along the way, that changed.
I now read more faith books than ever --- I have more free
time than ever --- but I have noticed a change in my reading habits. It came about
gradually; I didn’t seek it. Somewhere I
gradually stopped seeking to learn, and let Jesus begin to teach me. I stopped
looking for things of interest to me, and let my heart be opened to things of
interest to Him --- and it seems they largely center about how I am to live my
life. I grew up and learned rules on how
to live a good life, and I read books which gave me new rules. I guess I thought there are rules which applied
to everyone, but I never thought there were unique
rules for each one. I found, however,
that there ARE unique rules for me, on how I am to live my life, with the
unique talents and opportunities God placed before me.
Gradually I started seeing things in the books I read, words
which seemed to apply uniquely to me, now.
And perhaps most importantly, WHY they applied to me --- that was
important because of my analytical mind: I always want to know “why’. And often in reading, gradually I began to understand
things in my heart. As a problem in my
life became a concern, suddenly it was very common for me to pick up a book and
lo and behold on the first page was an answer to that concern. I found God speaking to me in the words I
read, whether those of Scripture or of the saints.
So now I read, in the chapel or church, so God can teach
me. I don’t seek to learn anything; I
let Him pick the topic. And in the quiet
He answers my prayer to “Make me an instrument of Thy peace.” And I see how I can,
and the opportunities He gives to me.
And certainly of late I see Him getting to the heart of His life and
mine: He is teaching me how to love.
And as He continues to teach me, at least on some occasions,
I think (I hope) He gives me a passing grade!
There's no grade. Only His love. He does it from love. So that you may become more like Him.
ReplyDeleteFran
Well, perhaps not, Fran. But at some point there will be a passing!!:-)
ReplyDeleteHee hee! You're right! So true!
ReplyDeleteLast night I dreamt I was in the hospital with an oxygen mask on, and someone I thought was my mother, but who didn't look like my mother, was changing the medicine at the base of the hose supposedly to help my breathing. A young doctor came in to listen to my lungs, and said I would be fine, and I said, "Anytime He's ready to take me, I'm ready. He knows that." and suddenly a point in the ceiling looked like paper beginning to burn, and I thought "I'm dying." and I began to float and fly around the room as the people in the room continued to look at the bed. But when I looked at the bed I couldn't see myself there (as the people who've had this experience say they do) and I knew, shoot, I'm not dying. :-)
I know that sounds morbid.
I guess our final judgement is a pass/fail grade. :-)
P.S. Did you hear Fr. Mitch Pacwa had a serious heart attack on Saturday? They did an angioplasty and he's probably going to be okay. It was on his Facebook page. I wonder if that's why I had the dream I did.
Fran