I Want to Change Who I Am

I believe I am part of a trinity --- a family of God, me and neighbor.  So, I guess it’s appropriate that many of these thoughts came to me on the feast day of the Holy Family.  These thoughts revolve around how I live this trinitarian relationship, a relationship designed and prioritized by God: His one commandment is for me to love God and neighbor.  Now as a Christian I know this and I can choose to act as the person He wishes me to be, …. But that wording expresses the key point:  I don’t want to “act” like the person He wants me to be --- like an actor memorizing his lines --- but I want to BE the person He wants me to be.

I’ve had continuing reflections (some written here) on how to change who I am, who I am: not in what I know with my brain, but what I believe and live out in my heart.  The Friday Bible Study guys talked about how our emotions and the actions they sometimes trigger seem to represent our true selves, where our heart is.  Emotions aren’t calculated in the brain.  You cry singing The National Anthem because you ARE patriotic, not just acting like it by singing the words.  You cry after receiving Holy Communion because you KNOW God is present.  And you raise a middle finger and curse aloud at the guy who cut you off in traffic because he is not doing things as you, in your heart, think proper, and so, the pride in your heart triggers negative emotions.

In the past, I’ve considered how to go about putting into my heart a better relationship with God.  I’ve concluded that spending more time with Him, with reading His words or words others wrote about Him, and in speaking to Him in prayer more often --- all these would help make my relationship with Him change from being one of merely knowledge about Him to truly knowing Him, and loving Him in my heart.  And in knowing Him, my emotions would automatically know His will for me, or seek it in my needs.  I know can work at my relationship with God, and I do.

But what about my relationship with other people here on earth?  How do I change the automatic finger raising at being cut off (for example) to an automatic reaching for the cross hanging from the car’s rearview mirror, or reaching for God’s presence in my heart?  How do I change the automatic curses because somehow this stranger in traffic hurt me, to prayers because somehow HE is hurt --- perhaps he is distracted because of some crisis or tragedy in his life; perhaps he’s rushing to the hospital; perhaps he’s stressed out thinking about some work assignment, OR perhaps he’s always such a jerk.  But regardless of the possible reason for his inconsiderate action, it demonstrates he needs prayers --- MY prayers, my prayers for this person who is part of the trinity God put me in; he is my neighbor here on earth, who I am called to love.

Okay, let’s say I see that I am the person who reacts with such negative emotions, not the positive ones described.  How do I change who I am relative to my neighbor, to come to a natural love of him, from my heart?

One of the Bible Study guys offered that he recognized some negative reactions in his relationship with his wife, and both he and she set some rules to help avoid those potentially sinful situations or reactions to them.  They would not give in to their emotions in certain situations by remembering --- or being reminded by their partner --- of their agreed upon rules.  And over time, this man noted, he has seen the rules become more of the norm of their hearts, and they weren’t really rules anymore, but automatic actions in their relationship.  They changed their relationship with their neighbor (their spouse in this case); they changed their hearts; they changed who they were.

For example, they agreed neither would meet with members of the opposite sex alone.  They had read --- or perhaps experienced in a prior marriage --- where that can lead.  So, if an old friend of the opposite sex asks his wife out for lunch, she brings along a girlfriend.  He acts in a similar way.  Another rule they agreed to was that neither leaves the house in anger.  He may have a meeting to go to, but if he’s angry at her he will cancel the meeting and stay home.  “We may be in different rooms, but if we get angry with each other we won’t leave the house.  We won’t seek consolations from any other person or thing --- like alcohol, for instance.  And,” he said, “that rule has helped us resolve issues quicker, sometimes avoiding angry confrontations.”  Through the rule, they are changing their hearts, making love of their spouse a greater priority than their feelings of “what I want” in a situation.

I liked these examples of how to change your heart.  Rules could perhaps help.  We try to change our eating or exercising habits to lower our weight by setting rules; why shouldn’t we attempt to change our relational habits to bring more joy to us and others by setting rules?  Jesus’ focus was on our loving habits, not our weight or our looks; if He prioritized the former, we can too.

It’s the New Year; perhaps it’s a good time to set some resolutions to change our hearts.  I think we would do well to set some rules accentuating positive actions --- ways to love our neighbor.  We’d also do well to set some rules to change our negative reactions --- like grabbing a cross when we are cut off in traffic, and saying a prayer.  Rules CAN become routine, part of our heart and our emotional reactions, if we have the resolve to really act as part of this trinity we were created to be.

Change is possible.

- - - - - - - - - -

Today I lived an example of how I would like always to live, who I would always like to be.  A friend invited me to her home for a New Year’s Day mass.  A priest friend was free and she invited him to come to her house to say mass for her and her children, and a few friends.  The mass itself was a bit noisy, not unlike most churches, as some of the younger kids were acting like young kids.  But I had brought along some mass cards from my church, as asked, and the Protestant friends in the room were able to pray the mass prayers along with us.  I could not imagine a better living out our being part of a trinity.  All the people together, regardless of their differences, gathered to love and praise God and one another.

We shared brunch after the mass, and in getting to know one another were surprised that this priest from Uganda, people from some far-away areas of the state, and the host and even I, had many things and even friends in common.  It was great fun and great sharing.  In my readings I know of many such community gatherings being common in many parts of the world, like Africa for instance, but it was a rare treat to see it come together in my life. 

Perhaps 2018 will be a year of the world coming together, and at least for a time, and finding peace.