What Are You Worth?

Mt 10: 1-16

I read one of the assigned Scripture readings this week, and prayed over its meaning.  The passage from Matthew encompasses Jesus sending His disciples out to preach, and heal, and cast out demons.  I asked God to open these, His words, to show me the lesson He was teaching to His disciples, and the lesson He wished me to take away from these words.

In my contemplations, I imagined myself in Jesus’ shoes, looking at these poor fishermen, and wondering if they were up to the task.  I imagined myself in the shoes of the disciples, and thought how I would feel if given such a huge task --- would I believe what He said I should (COULD!!) do?  I am no one, and He expects great things from me??  And then I imagined what those people the disciples came to must have thought:  who ARE these guys ---- and then what would I think after I saw the miracles they could work?  I pondered and prayed over these things, asking what God wished for me to see from these writings, what wisdom He wished to show me.  I asked.

And all I perceived from my asking was yet more questions.  I just couldn’t figure it out:

How long were the disciples gone; did that matter?  (How long is the task He has for me to do?)  He told them where to go; where should I go?  And what if I don’t see results like they did?  He gave them authority, but how often do I rely on myself --- or does He wish me to?  I noticed that the first ones he mentions sending are the brothers --- is that important?  Is He reminding me that I am not alone, or that I shouldn’t be? 

I prayed on these words of Matthew on Friday night and then again on Saturday night.  I fought to find some personal meaning in them:  what is God telling me?  And it seemed He was silent to my prayers, and I could not discern any particular wisdom or new insights, for me. 

It was on Sunday morning, when I arrived early before mass, that I had time to read a few pages from my latest book purchase, The Way of Serenity by Father Jonathan Morris (a great book, btw, you should buy it for someone you really love!).  As God is often wont to do, the words I read were exactly on topic to thoughts rolling in my heart.  I read where Fr. Morris wrote HIS discernments about the exact same passage where Jesus sent the disciples out.  Fr. Morris considered his own travels, his extensive trip planning, and the time he spends packing, and then he noticed:  Instead of telling the disciples to pack and to prepare, Jesus tells them not to --- but in humility to trust. 

I had prayed to see God’s word in my heart; I had searched; I fretted over finding nothing.  Then, when I stopped, God showed me new insight, insight I think meant for me, but through the discernments of another.  And I saw His lesson for me:  I planned and I plotted on how to discern the Word of the Gospel, but Jesus told me:  “Stop worrying, like the disciples, just go where I send you.  Perhaps you won’t accomplish what you planned on the trip; perhaps I will use others for that.  Perhaps I will to use you for other things --- MY plans.  Just set out as I instructed, and trust.  If you need something, others will be there for you --- and you for them.  TRUST.”   Learn humility.

Soldiers have fallen on hand grenades to save strangers.
It says volumes about who these soldiers were.
Jesus thought I was worth dying for.
It says volumes about who I am.