Holy Thursday night, and I stayed up with Jesus; this was the night of His total self-giving, and bearing the mockery that was heaped Him for doing so --- alone. And He did it for me. I would be up with Him. This night I read the Gospel of John’s version of the Passion, and Fr. Bartunek’s commentary, and watched the movie Saving Private Ryan, which is about the efforts of the man who gave his life to save him.
When John’s Gospel speaks of Peter’s three denials of Jesus (Jn 18:12-27), the Gospel commentary I read imagines Peter’s later thoughts:
“For the first time I discovered that someone loved me … simply because I was me. I thought I could earn the love He showed me … How wrong I was! Who can earn honor from God? The most reliable lesson of all: when I am weak, then I am strong, because I have to lean on the strength of the Lord.”
“Why am I afraid of failing, Lord? You failed in the eyes of the world. Peter failed. Can my successes increase Your love for me? Can my failures decrease it? The only reason I fear failure is because I value my own achievements too much. O Lord, what good are my achievements if they flow from fear and not from love? Teach me to love, Lord, to love from Your love.”
In Saving Private Ryan are many examples of soldiers giving their lives for our country --- and of calling upon God as they lay dying. The key storyline is about a man who went into grave danger and finally gave his life so that Private Ryan might live. And at the end of the movie we see an old Mr. Ryan, standing in front of the gravestone of the man who gave his life for the then young Private Ryan. And in tears he asks: “Did I earn your sacrifice? Did I lead a good life?”
Those words remind us of the man, Jesus, who gave his life for us. They are words we need to ask of Him and consider: “Did I learn to love, from Your love of me?”
These days are days to talk to Jesus about what He did, and why. And also talk about what we are doing. And if we can’t hear His voice, talk to our fellow soldiers, who are fighting this scary war we are in. We are not alone, and we don’t want to wait until we are dying until we call our to Him.
