A Tangled Mess

I woke from sleep and walked into the bathroom.  In the mirror, I saw that the three necklaces I wear (Brown Scapular, Miraculous Medal and Crucifix) were a tangled mess.  I could see in the mirror that I needed to move one necklace under and over the others a few times, but looking in the mirror as I tried to do that, I found myself moving one necklace over and under, rather than under and over.  My mind and my eyes didn’t seem to be connecting.  That was because although I saw ME in the mirror, the images were reversed and looking at that and moving, I was moving in the wrong direction.  I knew what I wanted to do; I could see it --- or seemed to --- but I couldn’t do it.  I needed to close my eyes, and do it by heart.  It was easier that way.

There was an hour-long special about the social unrest on a local television channel on Sunday night.  There were talks with small groups or individual local (Detroit) elderly, young, and people of different races.  Martin Luther King III was interviewed.  All agreed this racial awakening seems different than past risings.  There were examples spoken of racism that all black families teach their children to expect, and how to meekly react.  Every adult had a personal example, or many, of racial bias they had incurred.  One spoke of how he never puts his hands in his pockets in a store, in case someone might wonder what he was reaching for.  Many told of being addressed with the “n-word”.  Some spoke of needed changes in law, but none spoke of how the politicians can’t seem to agree on that.  Politics was not mentioned even once in the whole hour --- I liked that.  And one early-teen white girl spoke of her participation in marches, and how “everyone agrees changes need to be made and since everyone seems to agree, I’m surprised changes haven’t happened already.”  That comment had everyone agreeing it was the most pointed statement of the night.  And in the last interview, a group of three persons were asked what do we do now, and the first one said “what we need is love.”  And there were no further personal statements, as one after the other, along with the hosts, they all agreed with that statement.

I thought about my tangled necklaces, which are visible symbols of God’s love and my love.  When I tried to untangle them while looking in the mirror, I acted like the guy in the mirror was me, but he was only an image of me, and trying to do a good thing which I couldn’t get him to do.  Maybe that’s why “what we need is love.”  Love doesn’t try to fix things as we think they should be.  Love doesn’t say “I have the solution for you” to someone else.  Love changes oneself first, acting from the heart, and then asks another if they need some help.  And together, they get things done.

What we need is love.

Waiting For God

The Bible Study guys spoke about waiting for God, and the things we felt about waiting out this quarantine period.  Some gave examples of things they were doing, but there were other things that they couldn’t do, like get their kids more interested in going to church, and on those things, they were waiting for God, and trusting for God to act in these instances.  After a few examples, a trend became obvious:  we were turning to God when we couldn’t get our way.  God was a last resort, and then we waited for Him.

Our study leader turned to the Book of Esther, for an example of someone who waited for God’s help in a crisis situation.  But upon reading Esther, it was noted that the Queen didn’t just wait.  She heard that the Jewish nation was about to be destroyed, and she wanted to act, to call on the king’s help, but she feared his reaction.  So, she clothed herself in ashes and sackcloth, and pled for God’s mercy, much like Nineveh did to avoid God’s punishment.  Then Queen Esther did what she believed God wished her to do, and then waited for His answer.  And He answered her prayer.

The Bible Study guys talked about what they were doing while waiting out this quarantine.  Some golfed, some did chores, one is selling his house.  But then the leader asked:  What do we think February, 2021 will look like?  No one had any confidence they knew.  One mentioned that the Panera’s we met at for 10 years each Friday morning (before our present Zoom meetings) will not reopen again; they are opening a drive through store somewhere else.  Other local downtown restaurants will open next week, with outdoor seating and 25% indoor capacity.  They will survive the summer, but next fall?  And we live in a fairly upscale community.  What will happen in poorer ones?  And what will next February look like there, and here?

Queen Esther and Nineveh saw disaster on the horizon, and prayed and fasted as the focus of their life, praying for God’s mercy.  Should we be passing the time golfing or cleaning, waiting for God to act, or should we be following Esther and Nineveh’s example, praying for God’s mercy?  Or, should we NOT be focusing on things we want to do, but rather be asking God:  what would YOU want me to do? 

“Lord, You said to Love God and Love Neighbor; these were the key commandments.  Lord, how would You have me love my neighbor in these times of trial?”

Or are we content to just sit back and wait, and see what God does?

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The priest was talking about the 10 Commandments, when I had a thought:  I usually don’t think of myself as breaking any of those commandments.  I don’t steal; I don’t kill; I don’t commit adultery; I don’t lust after anything (anymore, anyway).  Yet, looking at what is going on in our country right now, I wonder if others would view their actions the same way --- if they ever considered the 10 Commandments.  Jesus summarized it into two commandments of love; at the root of our country’s sins is there a failure to love?  Certainly, the peaceful marchers are saying that.  I’m sure Congress will find a way to throw money at the problem, but can you buy love?  I once wrote a letter to VP-Elect Pence suggesting he form a Big City Czar, whose job would be to effect REAL change in big cities, with measurable progress required.  Certainly, police might be a problem, but schools (charter or otherwise), families, and faith are underlying root causes of big city problems.  How can tiny African villages have such happy people, when the poorest of our big city people have so much more --- and are miserable?  This too, is another thing to pray for God’s mercy.  History has saints who changed the world; we could use some now. 

Giving, Receiving, and Hating

“Tom, thank you for the gift, but you didn’t need to do that,” Ron greeted me at the 7-11.  And as I poured my morning coffee he said: “That one’s on me” --- again.  My gift to him, like the others I give, is but a small token to say: “I remember you.”  Like the Christmas cards sent to old “friends” whom I haven’t seen in 30 years, or the presents sent this Christmas to some people whom I have never met --- and never will --- yet still, I remember them as parts of my life --- good parts.

As I drove to church I recalled how Sr. Peg was someone who remembered me in the same way.  I was a good part of her life, and I thought again of all the others --- perhaps many of whom I don’t even know (but God does) --- who have benefitted from my life.  And then, suddenly, I thought of the ones who didn’t benefit from my life.  This Advent season is a time to prepare, to recall the blessing of Christ’s birth, but I think I often forget WHY He came.  His coming was a good thing, but He chose to come because of a bad thing --- me and my sins.  Even as I often forget the good things and people in my life, like Sr. Peg, I also forget the bad.  Advent is a good time to dredge up some of those thoughts we might sooner forget.

Oh, it’s easy to recall the bad things done to me, and the bad people who entered my life.  I have seriously tried to forgive them, but something still attaches itself to my soul, a bitter taste which won’t go away.  Some bad people and some bad events I will never forget, and I sometimes recall them with anger, and perhaps a bit of sadness --- for me.

They hurt me.

I know I should try more sincerely to forgive and forget, but it is hard.  But what is perhaps even more difficult is to recall those people against whom I have sinned --- that bad thing which we tend to forget which is also associated with Jesus’ birth.  He had to come to save me, from my sins.

Even as Sr. Peg fondly remembers some good things I had done for her (which I forgot), I am sure there are some people who remember some bad things I did to them (which I also conveniently forgot).  How many are there who recall me, like I recall those bad people and bad times of my past?  While I may have led some souls to God, how many may I have led to a life of sin, away from Him, or by my being unable to deal with them have not given them the chance to know God better?  How easy it is for me to forget that some of those bad people I avoid, Jesus came to, talked to, and sat and dined with.

Each day I say a prayer for those people whom God brings into my life, whether I am aware of their presence or not, that for them I might be an instrument of His Peace.  Perhaps my prayer should, at least sometimes, be amended to include those against whom I sinned, that HE might be an instrument of His Peace to them --- where I have failed.

I do regret my past sins, and the people (myself included) whom I perhaps hurt.  But then a thought comes to me:  what about those who sinned against me, those who hurt me, those people whom I can’t seem to forget (or forgive) fully?  Even as I now regret my past sins and pray for those I offended, might not those who sinned against me, unknownst to me, be praying those same prayers for me?  Might not people who have sinned against me have begged God’s forgiveness for their sins?  And what likely was His answer?

And am I to be less forgiving than the God to Whom I pray at each mass: “And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”?

There are those who entered my life who were good people, and those who were bad.  There are those whose life I entered as a good thing for them, and those who I influenced badly.  To all I must give forgiveness, and for all I must give thanks, for all these people God has put into my life --- for his GOOD REASONS, even if I don’t understand them.

This Advent, there is much to consider, to prepare for His coming, which is a very good thing, because in all things and in all ways, He loves me.  By His actions He came to tell me and show me how much He loves me.

I must prepare, and make myself a fitting birthday guest at His party, celebrating all He came to do for me.

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When I arrived at church this morning I was surprised to see the priest, who then offered the morning mass, despite the bulletin’s saying there would be only a communion service this day.  Little blessings are always there for us.  : - )

And as I drove home afterwards, the radio spoke of the hate in New York, and the people there who were hurt and can’t seem to forget --- or forgive.  It spoke of the people who hurt others --- and didn’t know they were doing so.  And it spoke of the people who are trying their best to love their neighbor, who their neighbor fails to appreciate, or remember their loving gifts of the past.

We live today, but our life isn’t only about today.  We try to do good, but forget we sin.  And we tell God we forgive, but don’t look into our continuing anger.  He came to forgive our sins --- those things we tend to forget.  We want to love, but also forget that real love “means never having to say you’re sorry.”

We have much to pray on and reflect on, to properly prepare for this Christmas, in hopes that we might sincerely say: “And peace on earth and goodwill to men.”