Why I Talk to God

It was a blustery, wintery day --- or rather, night.  I subbed at the adoration chapel from 2-3AM last night.  On the drive home from the chapel, the winter wind blew in huge gusts, rocking my car from side to side, and then, suddenly, a heavy snow began to fall.  It was like being in a giant dust storm of white; I could see nothing beyond the hood of my car and the white wall in front of my windshield.  I was driving in a black hole, like outer space.  The road had rumble strips on the double-yellow center lines and on the white lines marking the shoulder, although I couldn’t see them.  But now I REALLY knew what those strips were for.  I heard the rumbles in my tires often; they were my eyes for correcting my direction, as I slowly crept along.  It was a great time for prayer, I guess, and I’m sure I spoke to God and my guardian angel, but I was concentrating very intently on the road I couldn’t see, but only hear.

About 10 minutes passed --- it seemed like an hour.  I’m sure the radio was on, but the only thing I heard was those almost constant rumbles from the tires as I neared the edge of the road and corrected, and corrected, and corrected as I wove back and forth.  I had one brief thought:  I wondered what I’d do if I found myself crashed in the roadside ditch, or suddenly driving across the dirt farmland that lined either side of the road.  Finally, there was a pause in the wind, and through the heavy snow my headlights showed the roadside lines, the double yellow ones --- which I saw to the right of my car!!  I had been driving for miles in the on-coming traffic lane.

A few minutes later, some roadside business lights finally broke the darkness, their lights defining the road edges.  A bit later I saw a couple of cars coming towards me, in the lane I had abandoned, heading towards the total blackness behind me.  Living near a big city, I wondered how often I had traveled that stretch of road I’d just completed, without seeing another car.  The word “rare” would not define how rare that was, at any hour of the day or night.  It was a well-travelled road.  And yet, when necessary to keep me safe, beyond all odds, there was no oncoming traffic last night as I traveled in the darkness.

In the late night, I had spent an hour in God’s house, and then in my dark time He had spent 10 minutes with me.  I know I was not alone.

In recent weeks I’ve meditated on (and written here) about dark times in the Church, in the world and in our lives.  The times I wrote about ate at our insides, and tested our faith.  Last night, however, I was reminded of another dark time, through a most literal example.  During last night’s dark time I wasn’t begging God for help; I wasn’t in a deep stressful anxiety thinking about events.  Instead, I had an immediate problem right in front of me and I used all the talents God gave me, all my concentration, to get through it.  When the task was over, I breathed a sigh of relief, not unlike the sigh I breathed when a particularly difficult work project or work deadline was met:  Whew!  I did it!  But, you see, I KNOW “I” didn’t do it last night.  God did.

How many times in our lives did God keep us safe, and we weren’t even aware of the perils we had faced?  We accepted as coincidences the accident we narrowly avoided, the work deadline we couldn’t meet that was suddenly extended, or the article we happened to read that gave an answer to the problem we were worried about.  But they weren’t coincidences, and we never knew it.

Last night, by all the odds I know, I should have died or been seriously injured.  Again.  I recall most clearly a couple of other instances in my life when death was very close.  I’ve seen death in circumstances which I lived through.  There is a reason for my life.

There is a reason for your life.

We live our lives vacillating between good times and times of trial.  Spiritually, they’re called times of consolation or desolation.  There is a spiritual name for those times because --- although we are living events in this world --- they are spiritual events. We are not only in this world, in our lives, alone.  God is with us.

There are reasons for the events of my life and of your life, and the One Who knows The Reasons Why waits for us to talk to Him about them.

- - - - - - - - - -

My son, when you come to serve the LORD,
stand in justice and fear,
prepare yourself for trials.
Be sincere of heart and steadfast,
incline your ear and receive the word of understanding,
undisturbed in time of adversity.
Wait on God, with patience, cling to him, forsake him not;
thus will you be wise in all your ways.
Accept whatever befalls you,
when sorrowful, be steadfast,
and in crushing misfortune be patient;
For in fire gold and silver are tested,
and worthy people in the crucible of humiliation.
Trust God and God will help you;
trust in him, and he will direct your way;
keep his fear and grow old therein.

You who fear the LORD, wait for his mercy,
turn not away lest you fall.
You who fear the LORD, trust him,
and your reward will not be lost.
You who fear the LORD, hope for good things,
for lasting joy and mercy.
You who fear the LORD, love him,
and your hearts will be enlightened.
Study the generations long past and understand;
has anyone hoped in the LORD and been disappointed?
Has anyone persevered in his commandments and been forsaken?
has anyone called upon him and been rebuffed?
Compassionate and merciful is the LORD;
he forgives sins, he saves in time of trouble
and he is a protector to all who seek him in truth.

Today’s First Reading:  Sir 2:1-11

This, Too, Will Pass

I had dinner last night with a friend of recent years.  During the evening she referenced how I sometimes described my life as consisting of phases, some key ways of living that defined my life.  I had spoken of how I perceived four or five phases of my life, one ending and another beginning, often with some overlap, and almost always with some chaos at the change.  New phases were thrust upon me, not chosen, and I often fought them, not understanding why things couldn’t continue as they had been.  Even if I didn’t consider my life wonderful, still, I feared change, the unknown.  And then, of course, there were always those little problems and pains as happen in every life, at which I often wondered: “Do I fight this problem, to get back to the way things were?  Is this a problem to be overcome, or one to bear with, and trust in God?  Is this the start of a new phase of my life, which I need to try to understand, and to live through the problem?”

My friend said “You know, I’ve looked at my life as proceeding through some major phases also, but you were the first person I ever heard state what I believed.  I think that’s why I like you as a friend.  You understand the big things, and so can help me get through the little ones, just by being my friend.

I was humbled.

Around me I see much chaos.  In the Catholic Church, in our country, in the lives of my friends.  Each organization or person seems to think the chaos they are enduring is a life-changing, critical thing, but is it?  Is the problem something to be fixed, to get back to the prior norm, or is it the chaos at the start of a new phase of life?  There is no easy answer to that question.  But it is important, I believe, to know that we don’t face our problems alone, because if we think we do, there will truly be no solution for us.

It is good to have a friend, not one who jumps in to say: “Okay, here’s what you need to do to fix this problem” --- this problem which may never before have occurred in your life, or theirs either.  No, it is good to have a friend who can listen to your problems, hold your hand, and pray with you and for you.  I coordinate a Caregiver’s Support Group, and that’s basically what we try to do there.

It’s also good to be able to speak to God.  What’s really wonderful about God is that He IS that friend Who will listen.  He knows whether your present crisis is something to be lived through and borne as a cross, until things get back to normal, or it is the beginning of a new phase in your life.  In either case, He knows that this crisis will pass, and He can see the peace returning to your life.

And He will be there.

Whether you will continue on this present phase of your life after this crisis (and likely more to come), or whether you will be adjusting to a new phase of your life, He will be there.

That’s why quiet prayer is so important, a time when He can hold your hand.  Screaming out loud during a scary movie doesn’t stop the reel; it just gives you a temporary release of emotions.  The story doesn’t stop.  Panic doesn’t stop our life story either, nor does making believe a problem doesn’t exist.  These things happen in our life, in every life.  They are to be lived through, and holding the hand of a friend helps.

You are not alone.  Know that.  Even if our trials and confusions are the start of a new phase of our life --- even if that phase should be eternal life --- the panic will pass; the pain will pass.  And you will not be alone.

Know that.  Trust in that.

You ARE Making a Difference

Yesterday morning there was a loud knocking on my front door.  It was 4AM.  It was the police.

Twelve hours before, I had been in the nearby chapel for my (early) evening prayers.  I felt the Lord’s presence overwhelm me there, and my planned hour stretched into three.  God had other plans.  I wrote extensive words to someone who, I was led to believe, needed to read those words.  Many thoughts came together in a story.

Leaving the chapel, it was later than I had planned.  I had people coming to stay with me and I needed to rush home to prepare --- and send off the words I had written.  I opened my phone to turn on the sound again and saw I had three messages.  As I drove home I listened to the recordings and then returned the calls as requested by each one.  And (something I should never do) as I drove home I tried to make notes of what the people were asking of me.  I arrived home, and as my garage door was going up I ended the last of the calls, closed my phone, and thought of the tasks I quickly had to do.

I never did turn on the phone’s ringer.

My guests arrived, stressed from their day.  We watched the movie I Am David together, to calm our minds.  They had never seen it.  The movie is about a young boy who decides to change his life, and follow the directions of someone he trusts.  It is a big move.  He has many adventures, doing good things for strangers along the way, and being surprised they want to do good things for him, and he also learns to pray, and trust that prayers are answered.  In flashbacks we see the friend, whose directions he is following, choosing to die in the young boy’s place, for the bad thing the boy had done.  And in the end the boy finally reaches the destination he struggled to reach, and is totally surprised by the wonderful new life which awaits him.  It is a story about our lives and destinations, too.

My houseguests loved the movie, and the story about how we must persist in the direction we were told to go.  The boy had talents to help his journey, as we do.  He couldn’t imagine the beauty of his destination, and sometimes wondered if it was worth the effort, as we do.  And ultimately his love of neighbor helped him reach his goal --- as ours will.  He didn’t understand how, but he was making a difference in the world, which resulted in it making a difference in his world.

Later, when I saw the police at my door in the early morning, dark thoughts flashed through my mind.  They asked my name, and after I confirmed I was whom they were looking for, they said to call a friend, who was worried about me.  By this time my mind was waking up, and I apologized to the policemen for having forgotten to turn my phone back on.  I thanked them for coming to my door, and they politely left.

Turning on my phone, I saw I had missed 15 calls.  And, calling my friend, she was anything but gracious.  She was in panic.  Difficult trials were going on in her life and in the lives of those she loves, and not being able to reach me she assumed yet another trial might be coming.  She knows I have health issues, and feared what my failure to answer could mean.  I couldn’t apologize enough for the pain I caused her.

We had a long conversation, eventually talking about most of the dark things happening around her, and how she, I, our friends, and God might help.  Insights from the movie I had earlier watched formed my thoughts on God’s plans, the big picture, and our efforts.  I think it left both of us more eased, and with thoughts on our next steps, using our talents even as David did his in the movie.

During the next day, I spoke to the people staying with me, my gym instructor, people at the food distribution ministry, and people I delivered food to.  Online, I exchanged notes with people needing help or encouragement, I sent the long message I had written in the chapel, and I spoke to people who could be of help to those I knew needed help.  I didn’t think I was helping much, like young David didn’t, and I was a bit surprised by some of the grateful things said by those I was helping --- as David was.  One group of people said they were praying for me, and I didn’t even know them!

And I realized how much I --- how much WE --- make a difference in this world, and so often we don’t even know it.  And all those things we do help us along toward our own wonderful destination, which we are not sure when, or if, we will reach.  But we trust, as young David did, and follow the directions of Someone who died for us.

So many good things happened in the past 24 hours, set in motion by a mistake, and triggered by two policemen who likely thought they were wasting their time, waking up some old guy and telling him to turn his phone on.  And, spread by good hearts, events went on to affect many more people, in ways they often won’t understand.

At the end of my day, I stopped at my favorite local restaurant, to buy two gift certificates.  On them I wrote: “You make a huge difference in this world,” and took them over to the police station.  And two good men, who probably wondered if they are making a difference through their efforts, learned that at least one person thought they were.

And if you are reading these words, I suspect you are one of those people on the journey, trying to follow The Path, and wondering if your efforts matter either.  I tell you most confidently: 

You ARE making a difference.