Who Are You?

 

A couple of days ago, I was invited to a meeting of people from area churches to plan an event together.  The first item on the meeting agenda was: Introductions.  As I drove around that afternoon, I thought of what I might say when it was my turn.  Then, suddenly, the thought came to me: “All my life has been about helping those in need.”  What??!!  Where did that come from?  I had never considered or described myself in that way before, but also just as suddenly, I knew it was true.  And I knew that was how God saw me, and He had given me that thought.  And I cried.

At the meeting that night I didn’t say that prideful-sounding statement, but I said that in my many years I had belonged to most of the churches represented there, and served in most of the areas represented by the people present.  I implied I had experience to contribute to the meeting.  That’s all.  Next.

Two days later I went to my monthly confession.  As I sat beforehand, my thoughts went to that insight God had given me a couple of days earlier, on helping others in need.  During my life when God showed me what He wanted done, I DID strongly go about making it happen, but not because I thought it was God’s will.  I often forced things to be done, because I wanted them done, because I thought the things were the right things to do, because I thought they were MY ideas, MY will.  And I thought I was right in my thinking and my actions.  It was all about me.

I thought now, in the confession line, I should confess that I didn’t ask often enough for God to tell me His will, and also the times when I tried to do (what I now know was) His will, but I let others stop me because I didn’t try hard enough.  I was focused on myself.  And then in my heart I heard:

“I loved them anyway.”

It was another thought from nowhere.  And suddenly I now knew what I should be confessing. It had nothing to do with who I am or what I accomplished or failed at, but it was how I did it.  I was focused on the deed, accomplishing what I wanted to do, not on the people around me.  Early in the Gospel of Matthew Jesus expounded on the Beatitudes, a further deepening of the Commandments, on what we should do or not.  All the rest of the Gospels, and especially in that of John, He explained and demonstrated HOW we should live our lives.

Yes, I was able to help many in need during my life, and I chose to do so.  I DID choose to love the poor, the hungry, and those in need.  I did what Jesus spoke of.  But what about HOW Jesus did those things?  It is not enough to just do His will, we have to do it with love.  What about His disciples, the Jewish leaders and people, and the Roman guards who didn’t understand and/or opposed Him?   And in my world, what about my co-workers, my office bosses, or my spouse when they opposed me?  Did I choose to love them the same anyway?  When they got in the way of my wishes, even of my doing what I KNEW was God’s will, did I love them?  He said: “I loved them anyway.”  I didn’t. 

“Lord, I am sorry for all those people You gave me to love, but I chose not to.  I resolve to do better, and be who You created me to be.”

These last couple of days I have had some great insights given me about who I am, in His eyes.  And what I still had to learn.

What about you, when people get in your way?  Who are you?

 

- - - - - - - - - -

The event meeting is about the feast of Corpus Christi, on June 2.  The churches, for two hours on the Sunday afternoon, will celebrate the day and Christ’s gift of the Eucharist, with a procession, songs, praise, and more, TBD in our planning.  I was given a dream about how that procession would please God, and deepen the beliefs of those present.  I wrote out the details as I recalled them.  But I will not share those details with the planners.  I perceive to do so would be much like how I lived my life in the past, doing what I believed was right.  No, I will try to be who He created me to be.  To do His will, yes, but to do it with love.  And if things are not perfect in His eyes, well, when have we ever been perfect.

He will love us anyway.

Real Trust

 

Last night I had one of those rare dreams, which I knew was God speaking to my soul, or vice versa.  I awoke and quickly jotted down some notes, so I wouldn’t forget.

I dreamt of an event which happened in the late 1990s.  I was chair of the Paint the Town (PTT) project, which painted and repaired homes of the elderly and low-income in Detroit (and which spread to 8 suburbs).  On the third Saturday of August that year, over 10,000 volunteers were scheduled to paint over 400 homes.  At that point, PTT was at its peak, and after 15 years it had never rained on that day --- only this year the forecast said otherwise.  I received lots of calls asking what day we’d re-schedule to, but I said “Wait, forecasts change.”  This one didn’t. 

As we picked up the rental trucks the day before, it was pouring rain.  My board members said “this is a waste of money.”  The forecast said there was a 95% chance of rain for the next day.  But, I reminded my friends of the huge sums of money already committed to that day.  While the thousands of gallons of paint and many supplies were donated --- the volunteers showed up only wearing the event shirts we bought and gave them --- still, we paid for extra police protection, ambulance availability, porta-johns, and over $10,000 in insurance for that one day; average people were going up on ladders, some over 3 stories tall.  The insurance was to protect myself and board members from lawsuits.  None of that money could be recovered, and we had little in the bank to buy more --- if the people and supplies and were available on another day.  “No,” I said.  “There is a 5% chance of no rain; we are doing God’s work; we need to trust in Him.”  Back at the office I saw the large number of calls I had received, and I put that message on my answering machine and didn’t answer my phone the rest of the day.

The day of the event there were dark clouds in all directions, except up, where it was blue sky and sun.  To everyone’s surprise, not a drop fell, and all the homes got painted.  And rains began after about 10PM that night, after all the paint had dried.  “It was a miracle,” many people said, and thanked me for not trying to re-schedule the PTT event.

I dreamt about those events last night.  This morning, I had a Bible Study class.  We were reflecting on tomorrow’s Gospel, the end of the Gospel of St. John, where Jesus appears and tells the doubting Thomas to “put your hands in My side.”  We looked at that Gospel from many sides, and its many messages.  I think in the end we understood that Gospel better, and perhaps understood our lives a little better also.  It was then that I recalled my vivid dream, and related it to the men.  There was a jump to “that’s the kind of trust we need to have,” but I found myself disagreeing.  “No, that was trusting when I could see no other alternative.  Trusting in Jesus was a last resort.  That’s not the kind of trust we need; that’s the kind Thomas initially had.”  I realized that back then I had a foundation of trust, so I could voice it, but I still had a lot of lessons to learn.

If it had rained that day, ruined and wasted the work of thousands of volunteers, and perhaps ended the PTT project from ever occurring again --- and people laughed at me.  If THEN I trusted in God’s love, that would have been trust. 

Praying to God and getting the things we want is not a prayer of trust.  “Not my will, but Thy will be done,” is a prayer of trust.  We need to sincerely pray that prayer, especially when thing seem their darkest.  We need to grow in trust of God, to trust in Him, ALWAYS --- as if He REALLY WERE GOD.

Tomorrow is Divine Mercy Sunday.  That Divine Mercy prayer ends with: “Jesus, I trust in You.”

 

I Care

 

It’s 3AM, Holy Thursday night, Good Friday morning.  I am staying up, keeping Jesus company on the night when He was alone, mocked and tortured before the final agony of the cross.  I used to spend this night in the chapel, His house, but tonight I’m at my home, but I know He is with me here.  My meditations tonight are on His Passion, as written in the books My Other Self by Clarence Enzler (Chapter 8), and The Better Part by John Bartunek (Meditations 393-398 --- the Good Friday Gospel).  And in between reading those books, I’m praying the rosary, reading again the meditations I long ago wrote on each mystery.  So much to discover anew, how much He loved us then – or no, how much he loves us now, for as God He is not limited by time as we know it.  For Him, it’s all happening right now.

In The Better Part, reflecting on John 18:1-11, I had underlined where it speaks of Judas’ betrayal these words: “He became a traitor.  He is now the kind of person who is willing to climb the ladder of success by stepping on his friends.”  How often I have seen that in others and sadly, in my own life.  And yet as when Judas gave Jesus that final kiss, Jesus still called him “friend.”  Later the author reflects (and I underlined again) what Jesus might be saying to us: “I offered the sacrifice of the cross for you, before you even knew me, let alone loved me, and I did it with total freedom.  I didn’t have to, I chose to, just because I can’t bear the thought of spending eternity without you.’

And in the book margin next to those underlined words I had written: “The artist who doesn’t want to part with his work.”  What a great insight the Lord had given me when I wrote those words!  Artwork is the unique expression of what the artist is feeling.  People may look at a painting and ponder long to try to understand why the artist created the unique brushstrokes, what was he thinking here, and what feeling is he expressing there?  Everyone may look at the artwork and perceive some aspect of how and why the artist did everything uniquely this way, and they may correctly interpret some of the thoughts he expressed, the very part of his being he expressed in his artwork. But no one can totally understand, however, the love he put into his work, and that’s why the serious artist finds it so very hard to part with his work.  Jesus feels that way about each one of us.  How much of eternity did He ponder before making me exactly as I am; how could He ever accept being without His creation?  How could I ever think He doesn’t love me?  How could anyone not want to return a love like that?

And then I read on and prayed on this night.  And praying the Sorrowful Mysteries of the rosary, I reached the third mystery, the crowing with thorns.  And I read this reflection I had written about what I perceived Jesus felt then, when He was crowned, mocked, and spit upon.  “In my deepest pain:  quiet.  Alone; no one cares.”  That thought, which Jesus may have felt, is why I stay up these Holy Thursday nights, reflecting on all He did at this time, and why.  I want Him to know:  I care.

- - - - - - - - - -

 

And as I was typing these words, I received call that my good friend, Marie, is being admitted to the hospital for tests on acute pains she is feeling.  I care for her also, and all my friends.  Please pray for her.