And So I Cried

I find that I have been crying a lot lately. Oh, you needn’t worry; it is a good thing, and I am writing about it today because I want to record my thoughts, so I can come back to them on those bad days when I need the support and firm knowledge that: “The world is not ending; this too will pass.” And perhaps most importantly, that in my trials I am not alone. Do not be anxious.

I have found, of late, that God is often near to me, and I am acutely aware of His presence, and I don’t know what to say, or how to act, or even like this, what to write. I am in His presence, and I just KNOW. It’s like some kind of different state of being, of being and knowing all those things you might expect, I guess, that you would be and would know if you were in His presence. It happens sometimes when I have bad times --- and I am most appreciative then, but it also happens in good times, times of prayer, times of meditation, and times when I just look out at the beauty of His creation and realize: Wow! This is so beautiful.

When this happens, I know He is near to me, and He will protect me from all harm, even strangely, those harms which may be happening to me at that moment. “How can He protect me from what is already happening to me,” you may ask. “I don’t know,” I would answer, because I can’t express what I DO know: no harm will come to me. No matter what does happen. Even as bad things happen to me, I know He is with me, and the goodness of His presence overcomes the badness of other things. I find I can ignore those other things, which may sometimes seem so bad. But He is so good, and nothing else I can see or feel matters. I don’t know how to express this feeling, this confidence, or even of how to write of it now. But: when He is with me, my body reacts by crying, perhaps because it doesn’t know what else to do.

I don’t know why I am so blessed with this feeling, of late. Perhaps because I am better able to get past MY problems and state them in a way that recognizes them as OUR problems. It’s easy to see God when things are going well, and all seems a blessing, and I can see His hand in matters. But I think when things go bad I rather quickly seek a way out, and strangely (I now think in retrospect) the first one I turn to with problems is myself. “How can I fix this,” I ask myself. “Develop a plan,” is my reaction to ease the pain and gain confidence it will soon end --- I’ll get myself out of it. Or even, in some cases I may say to myself: “Well! This is another fine mess you’ve got us into!” (I always liked those old Lauren and Hardy movies.) At any rate, that is often a norm of my thinking when problems arise --- I must fix them. Of late, I admit, I am much better at thinking and saying what I should ALWAYS think and say: “Well, what do you think WE should do now?” That’s the right attitude to have in any bad situation --- I am not alone. And when I do react in that way, which as I said I am prone to do more of lately, then He answers. Oh, He doesn’t speak to me and tell me what to do, but I do recall some of His teachings, as a father to me. And sometimes I see things in a new light. And sometimes I just KNOW He is there with me. And sometimes I cry.

I began reading a new small book this morning’s meditations: Life’s Purpose --- Wisdom from John Henry Newman, and I began to cry again. I cried even while reading the forward. So much of what I read spoke to me and from me --- and with me. I’ll give a more complete review of that book for you at a future date, but for now, I guess I’ll just give you the short first chapter:


Lead, Kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home --
Lead Thou me on!

Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene --- one step enough for me.
I was not ever thus, nor pray’d that Thou
Shouldst lead me on.

I loved to choose and see my path, but now
Lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spate of fears,
Pride ruled my will: remember not past years.

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on,
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone;
And with the morn those angel faces smile
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile.