I stood at my mother’s side late in the evening of the last
night of her life --- as we know it. Her
breath had quieted, the room became silent, not a sound, not a smell, not a
movement. No flickering of light. Time itself seemed to have stood still. While her eyes had been firmly closed all
that day, now, bending near, I saw they were open in narrow slits, looking out
one last time --- at me. And a single
tear welled up in her eye. And then,
even as we were separated at my birth, now we were joined again, and a tear
welled in my eye also.
What did mom see, in her last moment? No time for a thought to form or be pondered;
what did she feel? Certainly in the days
leading up to her death she had felt some pain, or at least discomfort. Dying is not an easy thing. But in those final hours, in that final
moment, the senses of her body no longer sent impulses to her brain, telling it
to do something. The brain was done
doing things for the body; the senses didn’t matter. If ever the brain and the soul of the body
were in perfect awareness of each other, surely it was at that moment. What did mom’s very being see and feel?
- - - - - - - - - -
They say it takes two weeks for your body to really begin a
vacation, divorcing itself from the thoughts and worries and feelings of your
everyday life, as it goes on every day ---- and on, and on, and on. Surely to some degree our life, or at least
our body, grows into some kind of automatic everyday mode, knowing what to do
and what to prepare to do as our days pass, largely unchanging from one to the
next, and so even on vacation it must want to continue in that mode. Only after some extended period of “difference”
can it take notice, and perhaps change what it is thinking and feeling. I experienced that two week-plus vacation
only once in my working life, and yes I can attest that somewhere during that
second week my body changed. My
shoulders seemed to loosen, and my mind didn’t worry about the meetings I was
missing, or some tasks to be done. I was
alone on that vacation, and suddenly I felt no need to worry the next week, the
next day, or the next hour, or even plan about them ---- no planning was necessary at all. And life just happened, even though I didn’t
plan it. And I saw things I might not
have noticed, I spoke with people I might have ignored, and it was like I had entered
a different world.
And my mind in wonder asked: “Who knew this world existed?” And for as long as it did, we enjoyed.
That transitioning to a world we haven’t seen or felt, even
if for a few days, is a joyful thing.
But you have to experience it, because it can’t be adequately described
or catalogued. Dr. Jack Kevorkian, “Dr
Death,” who used to give poison to people who wanted to die, wanted to
experience that feeling through the experience of others --- no, not of their vacation, but of their moment death, of
their transitioning to a new world. Some say
he really had no empathy for the sick and dying nor wanted to help them relieve
their pains (indeed, some he poisoned had no pain, only fears of pain or
death). Rather, Dr. Death wanted to be
there at the moment of death, even opening a dying person’s eyes if they were
closed, so he could peer into them, watching and wondering what they saw and
what they felt. He wanted to see “what
eye has not seen, nor ear heard.”
Even as it took a number of vacation days to fully
experience the joy of a vacation, a temporary change of life’s experiences, so
it takes a number of days to fully experience death. It cannot be rushed. You cannot experience swimming without
jumping into the water, nor skydiving without jumping out of the plane. Nor can you experience death without
dying. It is something which must be
fully experienced to find the full joy, in the life being left behind and the
one approaching. And so what happens to
those who die suddenly? I do not know,
but I DO know we are encouraged to pray especially for them; missing the
experience of dying they are in need of our prayers. And of those who CHOOSE death suddenly? Again I do not know, but those we are
encouraged to pray for even more, for in their last moments, they have made a
bad choice.
Some have described Dr. Death as a very evil or sick man,
desperately wanting what he could not have, and not really understanding what
he would do with it even if it were received.
Perhaps he just needed a long vacation. Or perhaps he didn’t understand,
but he was looking for God in all the wrong places.
Some say that in that last moment of life we see the eternal
bliss arrive, and we shed a tear in happiness.
Perhaps. But having been there at
the last moment of mom’s life, I think she saw one last time and felt one last
time with her body, what she had felt growing throughout her entire life, what
she had yearned for and had yearned to give.
At that final moment, mom looked at me and felt love, and loved. And cried a final tear of joy.
How better could anyone conclude this life, nor open their
spirit to a new life, a new joy they had never felt before. So many without really thinking on it fear
death, but I am sure it is something which grows on you, and at the final
moment you do understand, and are at peace with this life, and the next, a peace beyond all our understanding.
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