Why Did I Fail You, Lord?

Sometimes, it’s hard to tell the difference between success and failure.  Sometimes, success is that you tried, but when the outcome is not ideal, you feel a failure. 

And sometimes, what we are feeling is God showing us what He is feeling.

Tonight, I listened to that sad song titled: Smile.  “Smile, though your heart is breaking … you’ll find that life is all worthwhile, if you just smile.”  This week, within hours, I had one person, beyond consolation, tell me “I wish I were dead; don’t touch me; I just wish I were dead,” and then later that same night I heard that another person I know was being rushed for special evaluation due to suicidal thoughts.  Two people I know were in deep despair, seemingly without hope.

Did I fail You, Lord?

It’s almost instinctive for us to question: “Is there something I could have done differently” when we feel failure.  We’d like to think that our good intentions are enough to ensure good results.  I obey the speed limits --- how did I get into that accident?  I did what the boss told me --- why did someone else get that promotion?  I took my kids to church every Sunday --- why have they grown up to be atheists?

When it comes to other people and their actions, it is imperative that we remember that THEY are in control of their lives, not us.  Our actions DO impact other people, but sometimes their responding action is to ignore us.  When it comes to the actions or directions a life takes, we can only change ours.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember that only God can change lives.  Sometimes all we can do is point out a situation to God, in prayer, and then trust in Him --- as Mary did at Cana.

“They have no wine,” Mary said to Jesus, nothing more.  And the Gospel showed us how it is amazing what God can do, if we trust in Him.  And while He showed me two women in despair that day, He also showed me how He acts toward one who trusts in Him.

The very first person I met on Thursday, a homebound woman I was delivering groceries to, had been in so much pain the prior week that she couldn’t get out of bed to come to the door.  I left her groceries with a neighbor; she later called, thanking me and telling me of her pain.  This week, in her wheelchair, that same woman greeted me at the door, and in the few minutes we spoke, a number of her high-rise apartment neighbors stopped by to chat about things they would do later --- or rather, things she would later do for them.  “How is your pain,” I finally got around to asking her.  “Oh,” she said smiling, “I’ve got some meds, but it was more getting used to it than anything else.  God doesn’t give us more than we can bear.  I’ve got things to do; I can’t stay in bed all day.”  And then before I left her, we prayed.  I think God showed me this woman first, to strengthen my hope to bear with the events of later that day.

The second woman I delivered groceries to that afternoon was also in pain.  “I spent two days in the hospital, but they didn’t do anything.  The pain is so bad, I wish I were dead,” she lamented.  My offer of a hug (which she was grateful for on previous occasions) was met with “don’t touch me,” and my promise to pray for her with a re-iteration of her despair: “I wish I were dead.”  What a difference from the first woman, whom I had seen only minutes before.

Analyzing the two situations (before I read the email telling me of a third woman’s thoughts of suicide), I could see three differences in the lives of the two women which impacted their reaction to similar problems in their lives.  Age was the first obvious difference; the first woman was more than double the age of the second.  Faith was a second difference; the first knew God, the second didn’t.  And the third difference was community; the first had many friends and neighbors in her building, while the second was alone.  Even in prior weeks when she was feeling better, the second often spoke negatively of her neighbors and relatives.  She was alone, by choice.

Many studies have demonstrated our changing culture.  Younger people very often are atheist, giving up the faith of their family.  Many are very self-absorbed, and often feel alone.  I heard a study quoted this morning which said the percentage of 18-34 year-olds still living at home is the highest since 1880, when young people stayed home to help on the family farm.  And today, way more often than ever in the past history, young people commit suicide or contemplate it.

I spoke of our good intentions, of being nice to people.  I delivered groceries to the above two women.  I’d like to think I do some good in their lies, and I do!  But, my simple good intentions can satisfy only my own soul, not theirs.  If I were to truly desire to impact their lives, more would be needed.

I am reading George Weigel’s latest book, The Fragility of Order.  In it, he analyzes our declining culture, and he offers some thoughts on what we can do --- on what we MUST do --- to change it.  He notes that a root cause of the culture’s decline is that men have forgotten God, and communities and families have dissolved.  We are more than ever alone, and like the early cave man, we are inclined to believe that if we want something we have to get it ourselves (or perhaps the government should give it to us).

There are today many villages in Africa where during droughts people survive by digging up and eating plant roots.  And neighbors don’t allow neighbors to starve, or be alone.  And many surveys show these poor people are very happy --- happier that people in our culture who have many more “things”.  Christianity is exploding in Africa, and dying in Europe and America, as people replace love of God and neighbor with love of self.

Weigel’s primary recommendation in his book is not to preach the Gospel --- words or good intentions alone are not going to make a big difference today.  He notes that we need to build community, starting with our neighbors.  We need to care about them, and be committed --- SERIOUSLY committed --- to helping them not with money, but time and presence, to give them hope, to show them that they are not alone.

“See how they love one another” was a Roman historian’s comment about Christians.  We need to be that noticeable, in that way, again.  No one should feel alone.  No one should, in despair, be without hope.

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The Gospels say over and again that we should give priority to the poor, yet in today’s Gospel (Mk 6:7-13), Jesus tells His apostles to go out and “take nothing for the journey, … no money.”  No money to help the poor?  But, even the uneducated in the remotest African villages understand this Gospel, that a rich life, a happy life, has little to do with money.  Jesus said that’s what He wants us to bring to the poor, a rich happy life, with God and neighbor.

I began these reflections with a heavy heart, but I’ve come to perceive very strongly that it is in fact God’s heart which is heavy, over the path we are on.

He wants His world back. 

We have to help Him.