Learning To Love

As a child we learned how to receive love. Learning how to give love takes many more years, and for some it takes a lifetime. The Church, the saints, and Jesus attempt to teach us, but, This is a hard thing. Parents have the easiest time learning to give love, it is so natural to give it to your children, but even parents find it hard to apply that learning to others.

It is so important to learn how to love. Not the love that has to deal with sex, not the love we receive, but the love which we willingly give – no, in which we prioritize giving. That’s real love; it’s the example He gave us. And the world so much needs that love, especially now, in times when so many have so many fears.

I recently read some books on Alzheimer’s. One of the things I learned was that the Alzheimer’s disease destroys the functioning of the brain in approximately the reverse order of which it was learned. So one of the first things to go is recent, short-term memories, then more complex tasks which have many steps, and some of the last things to go are the things learned as a baby: the love contained in a hug or just holding a hand, or the soothing sounds of music which could have been heard in the womb. I think this learning about the progression of Alzheimer’s can be related to the importance of love.

Love is a basic need which virtually never goes away in a person. Love isn’t only shown in the things we learned as adults, in its best most intimate forms, it is shown in ways we learned as infants. A friend recently reminded me that she needed to hear from me; sometimes she felt very alone in her trials – even through an email I could have been holding her hand; giving her a hug; showing that someone was there, and cared. I was reminded: these things are important to so many people. How easy we forget.

My mom, despite her dementia, never forgets to tell me each night as I put her into bed that “You know I love you.” She may forget many things, but she knows that is important to express her love out loud --- why do so many of us without dementia forget to say it? Especially to those around us who really need to hear it, like the out of work neighbor, the elderly living alone, the hospital patient no one visits, or the mentally retarded adults who no one stops to listen to. What are these, who so much need someone to love them, thinking about us? Do you think they resent us? No, I get a reminder of that also from my mom when sometimes she has difficulty matching her body function urges with her ability to make it happen, and so she may ask every 5 minutes for help to get on the toilet, but nothing happens. Almost always after the second or third attempt, she looks at me and says: “I’m sorry.” She perceives she has inconvenienced me, and feels that my love for her is diminished, and so she says she is sorry, when she has done nothing wrong.

That’s what many of those who so need our love are thinking about us: I’m sorry. I’m sorry I need to inconvenience you, but I need your love. They apologize to us because we’re so insensitive to their need; we’re so selfish. They apologize when it is really us who should be apologizing, and not just to them, but to God. “I’m sorry, Lord. You gave me an example; you gave me lessons to learn; you told me I would be tested; and yet I failed. When the critical moments came, my lamp was the one out of oil; I didn’t reflect Your light, but only my own inner darkness. I’m sorry for being so selfish, for not being ready for the moment when Your love was needed and I was to be an instrument of Your peace – and I failed.”

It’s hard to learn how to love with the love He teaches us, a love that grows throughout our lives, a reflection of our growing in holiness. We get married and think that that is the end of the pursuit of our beloved, when marriage is just an agreement of its beginning. We hear “blessed are the poor” and then we send a check somewhere to someone we never even met – but Jesus didn’t sit in Nazareth and heal some people in Rome, He went and met the person needing healing. Then He healed the person right next to Him. This is love.

Love is a thing you give, whether in the form of a hug, a kind word, or healing. Love doesn’t look for something in return. Love isn’t centered on ourselves. Love is patient; love is kind.

Learning to love; This is a hard thing.