My initial thought, as I sit here in front of this keyboard, is to go to my blog right now and search the site for the word “hate.” How often have I used that word? Why? I’m sure I never thought too much about typing that word to describe some thought I had in the past, but reading it now in the title of this post gives me a much darker feeling than I ever could have felt when I said it before. If I have ever said I hated something before, I never meant it, not with such feelings as I feel coming off the words above. I have never really hated any thing, nor any one, not like that. Never. Not like that. But those words were the first ones I read in the note that was sent to me.
A few weeks back I wrote some thoughts here about my dad, good memories. I was feeling good; the memories felt good; some of you sent, said, or posted some nice comments about the words I wrote. All was good with the world for me that day. But a couple of days later I received the note which started out as above. Later, a friend spoke to me of his memories of his father; he said he had buried most of the hate, but he noted that he had no fond memories of his father – not one. Well, at least my friend said that he was glad for me, that I had such good memories, but I felt sad for him. I didn’t know; he had never spoken of his dad before. I honestly don’t remember exactly what I said to my friend, or how I responded to that note, and I suspect that neither response was particularly memorable to them either. But I’ve been thinking, and praying, about them ever since, and I knew I must write something here, just in case they, just in case anyone, likes those words above. No, that’s wrong, no one, not even someone who felt with a strong passion those words, no one could really like them. There is nothing to like in those words.
Fathers were always meant to have a special place in humanity. When a God, Jesus, became man, he still looked up to his heavenly Father as one whom he loved, as one whom he sought to imitate, as one whom he wanted to make proud of him. He wanted to do His Father’s will, because it was good. Fathers were good things. Jesus was an example of the perfect Son, and His Father the example of the perfect father. Unfortunately, as I was so strongly reminded, not everything on earth is as perfect as that, and some things are not even close.
If your father died while you were young, if he went away, or even if he stayed, but never loved you, you missed out on the earthly father that God wished for all of us. You were created, your very being was designed with a hole to be filled by the love of a father; your trust in your fellow human beings was to start with him. He was to teach you about a God of love, and of his and your heavenly Father. And having taught you, he would should you how to pass that love on. But he didn’t. Maybe he even taught you about hate, instead. I think it’s a fact that if you have it, it will be very difficult for you to un-learn hate; like having learned one plus one is three, and no one will convince you otherwise. If you want to un-learn hate, you will have to be very committed to your re-education, and it will take a long time, if you can persist. But that hole which was to be filled by the love of a father, that hole still persists in you, and it can be filled still. Your mother and your siblings may have done a most wonderful job of filling that hole; perhaps you don’t even realize that there is any other type of filling possible. All seems well for you. If so, I’m glad for you. But if you still resent the dad who was not there, or if you hate the dad who was, you may still have that hole in you, and if you choose, it can be filled.
God meant for us to have a father, a mother, a family, imaged off of the Trinity of His being. This was to be our core of living and loving, but he gave us even more. Even as the Trinity created all of humanity, to love and be loved by, It gave all of humanity something to love and be loved by, and It even gave humanity a commandment to do so: Love your neighbor. Even if you are fatherless here on earth --- or wish you were --- there is still the family relationship you are to have with God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and the family relationship you are to have with your neighbor. Even if you earthly father was to fill an important part of your life, there is all of the Godhead and all of humanity to make up for the gap a missing father leaves. It would be better if you had a good loving father in your earthly family, but if not, you can CHOOSE to focus on the rest of your family in God and your neighbor. You can choose.
I know that missing your earthly father, and the image he was to have been for you, it may be hard to love others. He may have taught you to very easily hate others, and to feel that they wish you nothing but bad feelings even as your father did. I said learning how not to hate would be hard, but to assume others wish you bad feelings as your father did is just plain false. Can you honestly say that ALL the rest of the world hates you or is not there for you or doesn’t care at all for you? ALL the world? No one EVER smiled at you, ever? Not just a little smirk?? Come on, be honest with yourself. The vast, vast majority of the rest of the world doesn’t wish you bad feelings. They did receive love from God, from their father and family, and they are trying to pass it on to their neighbor --- that’s you. If you open yourself even a little to the love of your neighbor, to expect to see the good he REALLY wishes for you and not expect the bad your father taught you, you will be amazed how much love can come pouring in.
God didn’t just give the commandment to “Love Your Neighbor” to you; He gave it to your neighbor, too. So if you earthly father wasn’t what God intended him to be and your earthly family not perfect, you still have the family of God in the Trinity, which is part of your total family, and you still have your neighbor, part of your family of mankind, your neighbors in the total Body of Christ. We’re here; we do love you. All isn’t perfect, but all is not so bad that it must be hated. God created you to be loved. He does, and we, your neighbors do too. Even if there was great evil in your life, there is still love waiting here for you. Not everyone hates you, not even a little. You can choose to remember hates of the past, and make them the focus of your future, or you can CHOOSE to focus on the future that is here now, not in the past.
I mean, even when I listened in my sister’s phone calls with her boyfriend, or laughed when she danced with the pole in the basement, she didn’t hate me then, or remember it when we got older --- I don’t think. But did I ever tell you about the time my little brother punched me, where it REALLY hurt, and ….
But let’s not go back to any memories of pain. Love is here now. Take a moment and read again the words of Matthew 6:25 and beyond, and then look out the window at the birds and the trees and the beauty of creation. Take a drive to the mall and sit down and watch, the smiling people walking by, the busy people rushing by, and the children playing and laughing. This is the world; this is your family. You are not hated; you are loved as one of us.
Do not be anxious, my friend, do not be anxious.
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A good reminder to me that the world is not all dark; that the light that I see in the people I know and trust is out therein almost everyone. We just have to go and find it. Thanks. k
ReplyDeleteI try to see good in all people, unfortunately there is a downside to that. You have to be willing to sometimes be taken by someone who is not good, and occasionally be ribbed even by your friends, as mine often do: "Why did you give anything to that bum; he's obviously a con man." And then the occasional softly said: "Stupid."
ReplyDeleteYour words are so beautiful; they give me hope... I've been having trouble with my relationship with my father - I know none of us are perfect, but your post moved me, opened my eyes and really gave me something to think about...
ReplyDeleteThank you.
Dear A.
ReplyDeleteSubsequent to this post, its many hits and personal email responses, I also wrote My Father Hates Me. A slightly different viewpoint, but also a lesson I learned, which you may find of some value, to give you peace.
There is always hope. Never forget that.
Great post. I am an atheist. And yet, it made me feel much better:). You are transcending religion, my friend.
ReplyDeleteI have many atheist friends, but as my blog intent notes: I'm not writing to convert anyone here. These are thoughts/meditations that made MY life better, and I just am willing to share.
ReplyDeletePerhaps as a stranger to this blog you might not know how much I read, honestly it's a couple of hundred books a year. I have a curious mind, and I have learned from my readings, and once in a while that learning turns into wisdom. I care for my elderly mom, who often does not know who I am, yet I feel her love for me. This past week nieces flew thousands of miles to stay with me for mom's 95th birthday. Love conquers many perceived hates, and the thing is that so much of hate is just our perception. I think, sometimes, that we value ourselves too highly to think that others would take the time to hate us.
Love is a choice, and I choose to love, even those who hate me. That IS something my religion taught me, and it has made my life better.
I am glad that in some small way these thoughts made you feel better, my friend.
My father is physically there all the time, but he never said a thing. My wife told me today (Father's Day) during yet another meltdown at dinner that I should try to play with my son. I suddenly realised why I could never do that - my own father never played with me all my life (except that one time he brought my brother and me to play with a wooden airplane model - what a track record).
ReplyDeleteMy mother was the one who taught me to hate.
I re-read this post for the first time in a long time, my friend. I'm glad it made you think some. Hate is like a leaky roof; once the water gets in it can do damage way beyond the initial little hole in the roof. But the roof can be patched, and the soggy walls covered over. The results won't go away, but the results of the past can be taken from your vision, so you can focus on more important things of the future, like love.
ReplyDeleteSince I wrote this post three years ago, I have grown in holiness, which means to grow in love. Our parents are to image love for us, starting with the unconditional love we feel as babies: as babies we need them, and they are there. But that is just supposed to be the start of our learning, for love is not what we receive, but what we give. The learning our parents imprint on our hearts is not to be how to receive love (and perhaps crave it all our lives), but to show how they give love, freely. That is what we are meant to learn, and grow in, all our lives. That's the example we are to see in our parents, and initially try to imitate them, and then if we are faith-filled and wise, as we grow we try to imitate Jesus, who loved us unto death.
Playing with your son, my friend, is you practicing love of him, so that he can learn what it means. Hate is never really taught, but it is an absence of love felt. Teach your son what love is, encourage him to play with others and share with them, and take it upon yourself to learn to grow in love of others also. It's never to late to learn, my friend. It is a task of a lifetime. And, in my old age I can give you a bit of wisdom, my friend: You may think hate grows like a cancer, because you focus on it so much, but it is love which grows like a cancer --- when you don't focus on it. It starts with a deliberate focus, to give love, but then it becomes more natural to do and you don't think on it as much --- and that's when others do. They notice the difference in you, and they begin to imitate you, first perhaps your child, then your spouse, and then even strangers. They see something in you that you didn't know you had; love is a cancer like that, it spreads.
May you grow in love. It is a choice.