Bullying

I was listening to the Michael Savage radio program on the way to chapel.  His discussion topic was bullying.  Mr Savage, whose opinion I respect, opined that bullying is in man’s nature, and it is a strength whose results we naturally crave.  It rewards us with some level of respect, which everyone craves.  On this point, I agree --- up to this point.  But there is more.

The callers to the show were on both sides of the issue, some calling for respect (or pity) for the weak, and others noting how being bullied caused them to be stronger.  One noted how his being bullied caused him to develop physical strengths and to beat up his former bully, almost landing himself in jail --- and creating lasting anxieties about his own bullying desires.

The radio show was focused on man’s natural desire for respect, which is true, but it stopped short of considering the root of that desire for respect:  we naturally want to feel loved.

Respect is something given to us by others.  Some think you can earn respect (and I deserve it!), and others think you can force it:  I’ll beat it out of you.  But the truth of the matter is that we cannot force respect; it must be freely given by the other.  On the surface we might be demonstrating the proposition:  I respect myself, why don’t you?  On a deeper level, we might be saying: I love myself, why don’t you?

Why don’t you love me?

The history of man (and all animals) has shown the desire for respect, as commanded by strength.  From the caveman with the club to the dictator with armies, all history was about respect through strength.  Until the absolutely strongest Man in history came along, and said: I won’t demand your respect; I won’t even demand you love me, but rather by My choosing to love you, I will help you choose to love Me.

You can’t command to be loved; He demonstrated how to live in love.

A father is sometimes in the position of bullying his young child.  He can demand respect, but if he acts in love, what some see as bullying will be seen by his child as love, because the child sees not just one act by his father but the whole of his father’s actions toward him.  He sees the all-encompassing actions of love.

Love is what we really crave, not just respect.  Love can be earned, if we love first, and consistently.  And our first love must not be ourselves.  Bullying is our trying to get love for ourselves, but a wise man once said that without humility there cannot be love.  We need to stop demanding (bullying) respect for ourselves, but in humility demand nothing for ourselves, but rather to first seek the good of another, to love our neighbor as our primary aim.  Then and only then will we gain his respect, AND his love.

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On a related topic, the Bible Study guys were still in Romans: “May the God of steadfastness and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another (Rom 15:5)” And, of course, their thoughts again turned to their “toxic relationships” with loved ones --- the druggie daughter and her jailed boyfriend, the son who curses his father, and the brother who hangs up at the mention of God.  How do you remain steadfast and encouraging to these, they wondered?  How do you demand, or beg, for their respect and love?  And when it’s not forthcoming, how do you love them anyway?

There were lots of analogies given.  In wanting them to change to what we know is right, we are like the Pharisees, who know the law; “This is the right way,” but Jesus emphasized to love them first of all, and not focus on their not understanding the right way.  Another guy described a proper relationship as our acting as sowers of the seed amidst the weeds, trusting that the seeds will be fed rain and sun by God to grow --- and at the same time watching that we don’t get poison ivy on ourselves, for on earth we too are a soil where weeds might sprout.  And when we sow we might not see the results we want as quickly as we’d like; that’s where God comes in.

I conceived of an analogy to toilet paper.  White, clean, it is a good thing, a necessary thing, yet in doing its function it gets dirty and stinks.  And we throw it away.  Further, despite its being “the most soft tissue,” or “having ridges,” it is not perfect --- and no matter how well it is used, the spot it cleans still will still have residue dirt, and smell, yet we continue to applaud the use of this imperfect thing called toilet paper.  It is a necessary thing.

In our lives, we all must be like toilet paper at some point.  It’s a hard thing to let ourselves be soiled upon, to be abused, to have to be around evil people, to have to be around stinky people.  They are not as clean as we are; they seem as something to be avoided --- “don’t step in that”--- and yet, at some point we must be the ones to clean up the mess, to minimize the smell, even though we can’t make it go away.  It’s a dirty job, but a job for which we were created – to make the world a better place.  And there’s one thing more, something that’s really hard to accept, and it is that this filth we see and abhor has a purpose; there is a good reason for this filth to exist:  it cleanses the person it comes out of.  The bad inside him is rejected.  Sometimes it is up to us to clean up the bad, and somehow still love the person that created it.  We need to separate the person from the bad he produces.

Being good toilet paper is hard, and no one was more s___ upon than Jesus.  And yet He said: “Follow Me.”  Don’t bully the person to try to gain respect; don’t curse his sin or weakness (or stink); love him as he is, and by your actions of love act as toilet paper --- believe it or not, you are necessary in his life --- and humbly love him anyway.