I Am Sick

 

I am sick; what a great blessing God has given me.

I’ve gradually come to know the many “different” things about my body.  Some of my early physical growth was deemed abnormal, they even thought I had polio at one point.  Then, there’s the epilepsy, abnormally large blood vessels, abnormal heartbeat, very low white blood cell count, and some physical abnormalities too.  And at one point my lifelong indifference in accepting love was pointed out as not normal by my confessor, who noted that it was good that I loved my neighbor, but he saw my reluctance to letting my neighbor love me as not a normal or good thing.  He asked me to work on that.  It was years later before I read where my feelings were recently identified as a condition in some people which they named anhedonia, a pleasure-less desire.

I know that I am a unique human being, and uniquely loved by God who created me for a unique reason.  This week, I’ve had some further insight into that reason, and my anhedonia has played a role.

God put yet another new person in my path, and I perceived there was a reason and so we connected and talked about God’s purposes for our lives.  During the conversation, I mentioned some of my Lenten practices for connecting with God, and that I was having some trouble doing them this year.  This good man, a father of 4, then asked me to come visit his home so we could do those practices together.  And I automatically demurred: “Thank you, but no.  You have a family to focus on; keep your priorities there!  There are lots of friends I can call on to help me.”  And he reluctantly accepted the denial of his offer.

It was a couple of days later at a Bible Study I was attending that these questions were presented for our reflection: “What in your own life could be ‘emptied’ so that you would be able to receive more readily God’s love?  Do people consider you full of yourself or humble enough to receive love from others?”  And I felt as if I had been stabbed; it was pointing a spotlight at my anhedonia and telling me I was “full of myself.”  How true that is!  A stranger had been put into my path, and he offered me God’s love, and I not only rejected it but, I a single man with no children, offered advice to that father of 4 on how to be a good father.  What an ego-centric, full of himself boor!!  I thought and prayed about that, and resolved that if he should again ask me, I’d accept, but things were quiet.  Meanwhile, further thoughts came to me.

We were discussing the Gospel where Jesus healed the man blind for 38 years, and how blessed he was.  Then a different view came to me:  What a huge change in that man’s life!  From a daily routine of begging, now he’d have to find work, deal more with people, and deal much more with the many temptations of the world.  As a blind man, might he not have been more likely destined for heaven, while as a common seeing man, what would be his eternal destination?  Seeing the world through clear eyes is to be open to all the temptations of the world --- and that thought suddenly caused me to look at my anhedonia with new eyes.

I rarely had thought about my life-long disinterest in being loved.  That was just me.  But In recent years, I’ve seen many “coincidences” in my life which I know positively were miracles, and signs of God’s love for me.  When I gave my life to God at Medjugorje, I prayed that I wouldn’t see miracles; I wanted to resolve to love God not based on any rewards I might perceive.  I just wanted my life to be a gift to Him, even as I knew it was a gift from Him to me.  But despite my prayer, I WAS seeing miracles, His love in my life.  Why?  And this morning He showed me.

Over the years, I’ve noticed how each of those physical abnormalities of my body is a blessing, but I never dwelt on that anhedonia syndrome.  But now I see that anhedonia, while a burden in many ways, is also a great blessing.  In the world today the culture is obsessed with self-ism.  It is a temptation overtaking the whole world.  It is evil.  But I am blessed with an illness which is a defense against this great temptation to sin.  I was given an armor which helps me not think of myself as deserving any special love, so I don’t crave it.  I can fight this culture easier than most people.  And now, very much so, God has shown me through miracles that I am not without love; I have His love.  I may ignore human love, but God as shown me how much I need His spiritual love.  And it causes me to recall the words of Diana, who said: “I can’t believe how much He loves me.”

I am sick; it is a great blessing.  Wouldst that the whole world could catch anhedonia.

Oh, and the father of 4 who had offered me to visit his house?  I ran into him at a dinner last night, and he again offered me time with him tomorrow night, and I gratefully accepted