When Life Seems Boring

There is one channel on the television set that I tend to watch more than others.  I watch detective stories there, which my analytical mind finds interesting.  The storyline always has a main character; that’s the one everyone questions and analyzes, and wonders:  What will he do next?  But, of course, we know what he will do and how the story will end; the bad guy goes to jail --- but still we watch in interest.

Sometimes, if the story gets too long or the pace seems too slow, I might turn the channel.  If you are honest, you’ll admit you often do too.  We are so easily bored these days.  Perhaps you might turn to a sex channel (I don’t even have access to them), or to a “reality” show about the neighbors --- who seem to live an inordinate amount of time in their bedrooms.  But if you’re honest, certainly this must be boring after a while also.  Just how many ways can your sexual parts touch or be touched?  And an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm.  You know you’re lying to yourself if you think each is so wonderful and unique --- and “so necessary.”  That’s the advertisement of the drug dealer on the corner --- and you know how much you can trust him.  No, this is a channel you turn off in boredom too, even faster than the first.  There’s a reason, even beyond medical, that the commercial warns you against having an erection for more than 4 hours.  It’d be boring, and they want you to continue to buy their product.

But there are lots of other channels we can turn to in our life.  There’s a shopping channel and a cooking channel, and even a nature channel on which we can watch animals --- as if there is something more valuable to be gained by watching them than by watching, say, a rock.  No, all of these quickly become boring also.  With a thousand channels now available for us to watch, why do we still so easily become bored?

The answer is in the very purpose of the television:  to focus us on what we want, or think we want.  Its purpose is no different than the Roman Coliseum was for the citizens of Rome:  to distract them from things of importance.  It’s like the magician who says “look at THIS hand,” as he takes away something with his other hand.  He means to distract us.

We were not given this precious thing, life, merely to be entertained, to be sexually aroused 24 hours a day.  All life, especially human life, is meant to DO something, something important.  Even the prettiest flowers are not meant to just sit and look pretty, they are meant to grow and thrive and spread new life to future flowers.  No flower is meant to just be looked at by others, much less to have a total self-focus.  Neither is human life.

Man is created out of love, and is meant to grow in a self-giving love.  He was not created to focus on himself, like watching some television channel, but on others.  We so easily forget this because of the effort required to act in a love focused on others, and the lack of feedback we so much desire.  Giving love is work, and like all work, we want to see results.  It requires much dedication and patience, but sometimes despite our best efforts, the results disappoint us. 

Building a house requires dedication and patience also, and sometimes the results there too may seem less than ideal.  We might have to re-do certain areas of our work, or perhaps seek outside help from “the experts” --- maybe even God.  But that’s just how all of our efforts at living (and at loving) work.  That is how we were made to work, with toil and trial and yes, with error.

We often look at our life and our efforts like we look at that television program.  I cared for my mother for years, and watched what was happening to her and those around her (myself included) kind of like watching that detective show:  I wondered what would happen next.  And as I watched the show, there were many unexpected twists and turns along the way.  But I knew how the story would end:  not with some bad guy going to jail, but with a good woman going to heaven.

There were times along the way that the show seemed to get a little long and maybe a little boring, but I guess I liked the lead character, and so I still watched.  I tried to stay focused and not turn the channel of my attention to something “more fun.”  I am well aware that there are others who might be watching a similar show in their lives, and perhaps they do turn the focus.  Care-giving, loving someone in need -- even a parent -- can be a very difficult thing.  And the other channels we might turn our focus to can seem so much more appealing and entertaining --- to us.  But that’s the whole point of this analogy about life:  it cannot be all about us.  We are wrong if we look at our life’s situation and cry: “Woe is me.”  If this is your cry, you are looking at your life like watching television, and you are wanting to change the channel.  You want more interesting or fun things --- for you.

If you consider your life and are compelled to say “woe is me,” you need is not to change the channel, but turn off the television, and stop considering some better entertainment for yourself. Focus on life as it is.

For some of us, there is a house to be cleaned, children to be loved, and a job to go to.  The channel of our life cannot be turned, and we should not be daydreaming about doing so.  Life is sometimes hard, and it is sometimes boring, but that IS life.  Life has a purpose, a meaning, and we are not meant to watch it, but to live it.  Not to seek love, but to seek to give love, to make a difference to even one other.  Even if we are not aware that we made that difference to someone else, God is.

When life is at its most difficult and we feel unloved, forgotten, or worthless, that is when life is worth its most.  And that is when we most need to focus our life, to aim at fulfilling its true purpose.  When we want to ask: “Does it matter if I live” is when we should take actions to ensure our life DOES matter.  Then is the time to stop focusing on ourselves and our woes, and seek and/or accept every opportunity that arises to give love, aid, and counsel to someone else.

When we most feel alone is the time to find someone lonelier.

My mother died and I have a great hole in my life.  Perhaps you have had some tragedy in your life, a great sadness you wish would end.  But now is not the end of your life.  Like a particular episode of a television show, something or someone you focused on – an episode in your life – may be over, but no matter how absorbed in it you were, you go on.  Our life is full of changes, of phases, of episodes, of tragedies, but our life goes on.  And it goes on with a purpose.

At the end of the detective show, the bad guy is meant to go to jail.  At the end of our life we are meant to go to heaven --- it’s a happy ending.  It’s the story Jesus wrote for us.  The detective works to get the bad guy in jail, not moaning all day: “why don’t I get a promotion?”  So why do we cry and moan at each bad turn along the way?  Even the detective occasionally gets punched out by the bad guy.  But if you can be content to watch that story, why can’t you be content to live yours?  At least your story is new --- and no one’s seen it before.  And, if you were honest with yourself, you’d find it kind of exciting:  “I wonder how God gets even this sad sap into heaven?”  And He will, if you let Him, and join in your life’s story, and not just watch it.

No life story is boring, especially our own.  If things are bad now, go out and buy some popcorn, the next scene will be better.  Have patience; have faith.  ACT with patience and faith.  Do not be anxious.

There is cause for rejoicing here.  You may for a time have to suffer the distress of many trials; but this is so that your faith, which is more precious than the passing splendor of fire-tried gold, may by its genuineness lead to praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ appears.  Although you have never seen him, you love him, and without seeing you now believe in him, and rejoice with inexpressible joy touched with glory because you are achieving faith’s goal, your salvation.
                        -- 1 Peter 1:6-9

What People See In You

The Father is beyond our sight and comprehension; but He is known by His Word, Who tells us of Him Who surpasses all telling … The Son reveals the knowledge of the Father by His revelation of Himself … The Father’s purpose in revealing the Son was to make Himself known to us all and so welcome into eternal rest all who believe in Him.
            --- from the treatise Against Heresies, by St. Irenaeus, bishop

We know that people saw the Father when they saw Jesus, but what do people see when they see you?  What are their physical reactions, and perhaps even more importantly, what thoughts are awoken in their minds and hearts, because of you?  God’s grace is there in each of their hearts, like a book waiting to be opened.  Do your actions stir the winds in their being, flipping those pages in their hearts, causing the eyes of their hearts to glance at the words God would tell them?  Is God revealed through you?  Is that what they see, because of you and your actions?

Personally, I am convinced that God brings people into my life, and as our paths cross, however briefly, He uses me to love His children.  I affirm my will to do that each morning as I begin: “Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace...”  If this stirs their awareness of Him, I guess I am doing His will.  I will admit, however, regarding my actions, that there is something in my heart that wants to know: “Am I doing this well, Lord?  Am I making a difference in this world?”  But, of course, you can see the key word in those questions is “I”.  That yearning to know how I am doing, like a report card, is my ego speaking.  I want to be important in my own eyes, and I want God to tell me that I am. 

And if I can’t hear God’s judgment, I often judge myself --- and in that, I am wrong.  And, by the way, it is likely that you are wrong also, if you are judging yourself harshly.  The reason is that my actions and their results, their impact on people, both occur on two different planes, the physical and the spiritual.  On both I want to do well, but I can only really judge the sufficiency of my intents.  Often the results are not something I can correctly perceive or predict.

In my entire working career I received some sort of annual performance review from my bosses.  For some people, that review was critically important to them; they wanted to know that they were judged as valuable by their boss.  As my bosses know, however, I didn’t care much about their opinions; I was my own harshest judge, and I always found things I could have done better.  One boss once demanded I re-write my comments to his review, thinking my harsh words about myself somehow negated the value of his judgment.  But he was right in one thing:  Although I can judge the intent of my actions, how well I tried to do things, I cannot and should not be the ultimate judge of the ultimate value of the results of my actions and how they impact others; only they can say how they were impacted.  Maybe what I judged as not enough result was truly “just right” in their judgment.  And perhaps the spiritual results of my actions were also judged “just right” by God. 

While I pray that “not my will but Thy will be done through me, Lord,” I am in fact not God and so can’t do things as perfectly as He can.  Jesus led the life of the perfect man, sinless, doing the will of the Father, but those around Him didn’t understand the spiritual sufficiency of His actions.  Often He asked them in one way or another: “Do you think I did right?”  And many were critical, and many proclaimed Him and His actions to be from God, while many others were just plain confused.  They were just men, ordinary men, and so they couldn’t understand the value of many spiritual things.  And so, often He explained to them the will of the Father, what He had done, and why what He did was good.  But by themselves, they couldn’t know.

Neither can people who would judge the sufficiency or spiritual results of my efforts, nor even myself.  If I truly AM an instrument of God’s will, as I pray to be, only He can judge my success in doing His will because only He knows the real outcomes of my actions.  Perhaps He had me smile at that grouchy woman today so that she might be better disposed to her children tonight, who as a result might grow up to be great preachers of God’s love, helping God’s people long after I am dead.  How can I know of such results, or judge my actions leading up to them?  No, all I can do is to do His will, as best as I can perceive it, and then be content, at peace.  Do not be anxious means just that.  I can’t judge the true goodness of my actions, nor their results.  He will help bring about the results of my actions, and may stir the pages of His Word in another’s heart.  He will judge my success, or failure.

One thing only can I reasonably judge: my desires and preparations to do good actions, my intents and how they were shaped. I can perceive how well I am seeking to know and do His will.  How much time do I spend reading His Word and those of His saints?  How much time do I spend talking to Him, listening to His response?  How open am I to reacting to those who in some way enter my life?  How open am I to feeding the hungry, as He did?  How open am I to healing those suffering, as He did?  How open am I to crying with those mourning, as He did?  And how sensitive am I to the touch of my garment, when someone may quietly be seeking my help, as He was?

Only I know the answers to those questions, which impact how well I am doing.

In the things I say and do, people see me, but if I prepare well and choose to do things as best I can, then what people will see in me is truly “not I but Christ who lives in me,” and He will use me and them as He knows best. And the world will be a better place because I have lived. 

I am tempted by my ego to want to know that I am making a difference, to see and measure results, but all I can see and judge are the serious intent of my actions; the results are His results.  Even if I saw them, I likely wouldn’t understand.  Which is why I shall try to go through this life sowing seeds, being content not knowing if some of them are taking root and yielding huge fields of grain, or in fact most are falling on rocks and being eaten by the birds.  Who knows!!  Perhaps He wishes me to feed His birds!

Stay with me Lord, to show me Your will.

Stay with me Lord, for it is You alone I look for, Your Love, Your Grace, Your Will, Your Heart, Your Spirit, because I love You and ask no other reward but to love You more and more.

With a firm love, I will love You with all my heart while on earth, and continue to love You perfectly during all eternity.

            -- from Padre Pio’s Prayer After Communion

Why Doesn't God Hear Me?

If they violate my statutes and do not keep my commandments, then I will punish their transgression with the rod and their iniquity with scourges; but I will not remove from him my steadfast love, or be false to my faithfulness.          

-- Psalm 89: 31-33

The readings today, in my morning prayers and in the mass, seemed to be a continuation of the thoughts I last had on “Where Is God?”  And people I have met and spoken to since then seemed to be asking me that question.  Only they were asking it in different words.

A woman, a stranger, came up to me and asked: “Can you pray for my children, and especially for my grandchild.  They seem to have lost their faith.”  And a friend spoke to me of her trials at work and her thoughts on the future: “I don’t know if any of this is important to me.  I see myself retiring someday and wondering: Have I done anything important in my life?”  Without speaking the words, it seems to me that both are asking:  Where is God?  Does anything I do matter?  I feel unhappy or worried; can you pray to God for me --- He doesn’t seem to answer my prayers, nor bless my actions.  Where is He?

In my last post here I described where God is; He is here among us, if we would just look for Him.  But even more, He is here among us if we would believe it to be so, if we would have faith in what we cannot see with our eyes.  Jesus told Thomas that he needed faith, and “blessed are those who believe without seeing.”  Both these people who came to me were looking for God, but not looking in their hearts.

I said that I was struck by God in Medjugorje, the clarity of my grey-ish beliefs becoming clear solely through His action, the action of His Holy Spirit in me.  That is what happened suddenly to me, even as it happened suddenly to Paul.  Why did God do that for me is for Him to know, and me not to worry about.  But what of the people who are wandering about, as I described it, in the dark and not seeing His light?  It’s hard to just talk to them and convince them by MY words or actions:  “Trust me, if you just look for God you will find Him.  You will see the light if you try.”  If they’ve grown used to the dark, telling them that there is light is like telling a blind person what it is to see.  They can get an idea of what I am saying; they might even feel around and understand to some degree what I am seeing.  But that is not seeing it for themselves. 

If you have not experienced the impact of faith, it is hard to believe.  I understand that.  Even Job in all his tortures still had faith in part because he had at one time seen the presence of God in His life, and had felt His blessings.  For some people it has been so long, or they have so focused on their particular sufferings of this day so much, they no longer remember that God once blessed them. 

Despair comes more easily to some than others; some experts say it is a chemical thing in our makeup, and that some are more prone to it.  Perhaps, but while God’s Holy Spirit can gift us with faith and turn on His light in us and chase away our darkness and despair, is there something we can do to encourage or be open to receive His light? 

I think there is.

I have described on this blog how I once reached a point of despair in my life also, and how I gave up hope of doing good with my life, or of finding true happiness in my life.  It was in that despair that I cried out to God that “I give up.”  And I gave my life to Him, promising to stop

trying to lead my life, but dedicating it to follow where He would lead.  I said I would always seek His will, not mine.  I would no longer make great plans for my life without first seeking, seriously, His plans --- and wait for them patiently if they were not clear.  And gradually over the years since then, the light has grown brighter for me, and I can see more clearly, and I have found true joy in my life.  Where is God?  Without asking those words, I found Him.  And without specifically saying the words, “I trust in You,” I firmly acted as if I did.  And so when I first read the story about Saint Faustina and the words of the Divine Mercy image, “Jesus, I trust in You,” they resonated within my soul.  That picture of the Divine Mercy now hangs in my kitchen, and while I sometimes turn to it in my times of trial --- many times in these recent weeks --- I also glance at it in passing, as a constant reminder to have faith.  And even more, it is a reminder of what I am to have faith in: not a man, but a God.  Not in actions which I pray for, but in actions chosen by the One who loves me like a Father.  That is what I have faith in, God’s never-ending love. 

What can you do to promote receiving of that faith?  I think putting up constant reminders to HAVE that faith will help.  I wrote here a number of times about things I have done to encourage myself to have patience or perseverance or humility or to pray more often.  All of the things I did to get those blessings involved reminding myself that I wanted them; and with the reminders, what I wished for and prayed for came about.  I think a reminder to “have trust in God” will bring it about also.  Trust, like love, is a matter of our will.  We can will to trust; and we need to be reminded to do so.  That Divine Mercy image does it for me. 

Scripture says that we can love because He first loved us.  I firmly believe that.  If we have faith in that love, if we remember the times when we felt loved, if we remember the times when we gave love, willingly, we will dispel the despair of our hearts.  “Why doesn’t God hear me?” we may ask.  A better question is” Why don’t we listen to Him?”, for He is always present. We can always ask strangers to pray for us; we can always ask friends their opinions and for their prayers, and to just hug us when we really need a hug.  All these things are good.  But all these things are good because we are seeing the Light of God in these people around us; we are seeing His love present in those He brings into our lives.  We need to understand that in turning to them, we are trusting in Him, and therefore in His love.  We are not alone, without God.  We need not fear or be anxious.  We only need faith and to listen.  And His never-ending love will flow over us.

Love conquers all things; we need to let it conquer our fears.

My Jesus, I trust in You.

Where Is God? II

I think perhaps that is one of the most asked questions of all time:  “Where is God?”  Most often it is asked in a particular circumstance:  Where is He at in my suffering?  Where is He at when cruelty occurs in the world?  Where is He at when people have no one else to turn to and they call to Him?

And they don’t hear Him answer.

Most peoples in the history of mankind have by their nature yearned for and believed in some sort of God, whatever they named Him.  It is only when they get down to a “seeing is believing” mindset that they get more confused.  They act like the apostle Thomas, who said: “I will never believe without probing the nail prints in His hands.”  (Jn 20:19-31)  They say “prove it to me so I can understand” even as they DO understand that God, who is so huge in being, cannot possibly be comprehended by their small mind.  Yet they persist because they believe that they alone are in control of their life, and of what they are to believe is true.  They might as well be saying: “I will never believe in an ocean liner unless I can hold it in my hand,” knowing all the while that is impossible.  Some things are just too heavy for us to lift with our hands, or with our minds.

I was blessed to be raised in a Catholic family.  I was taught what I could understand about God --- and what I could still believe in faith, even if I didn’t understand it, or couldn’t see it (or lift it).  But that basic understanding of WHAT or WHO God is was clouded (in my youth) on the question of WHERE God is.

Catholics are taught he is present, in a manner, in all of His creation; He is in all men who are body and spirit, and He is in His Word, and most especially He is in the Eucharist.  I was taught those things and I believed them in a distracted way, kind of like I believe water is good for you, but it is only on a hot day that I notice my thirst and more appreciate my need for water --- and the blessing that it is there for me.  For much of my younger days, that is how I generally believed in God.

Suddenly, like in a flash, my visit to Medjugorje changed all that for me.  While there on that pilgrimage, I suddenly KNEW that God was present in the Eucharist, and in His Word, and in the mass I attend with members of His Body.  And in the years since my visit to Medjugorje, my appreciation of His love, as shown by His presence, has grown.  I have a firm knowledge of WHAT and WHO God is, and I have a very firm perception of WHERE He is, and how I can see Him, if not with my eyes, then with my heart.  Often, I can feel His presence.

I think of God’s presence as similar to the presence of light coming from a large light bulb.  Attached to the switch controlling the light bulb is a rheostat, which I control.  The switch has no off setting; the light can only be varied in brightness.  Turned to its highest setting, the light is so bright you cannot avoid noticing it; it is so bright you cannot look at it.  It is so bright it casts off a heat which warms the room.  Turning the rheostat to its lowest setting, the light bulb dims so that you don’t even notice it is there.  Shadows disappear and everything seems dull, colorless, and hard to see.  And in the darkness you have to feel your way along, relying on yourself alone, kind of guessing the way.  Sometimes, like Thomas, we might ask: “Where are you, God?”  But then we walk around without seeing Him, never really looking up to see that He is still there in the bulb never goes out.  And some of us, as we walk around, have forgotten (or perhaps never knew) where the rheostat is.  And things always seem dark.

The readings at mass this past Sunday seemed to remind me that God never left us alone in the dark, with no way of finding Him.  Moses said in Deuteronomy 30 that God’s voice “is not too mysterious and remote for you. … (It is) already in your mouths and in your hearts.”  And Psalm 19 said: “Your words, Lord, are Spirit and life.”  And if we need to see to believe, Colossians 1 tells us that “Jesus Christ is the image of the invisible God.”  And later we heard in the Gospel from Luke 10 the question: Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?  And we heard the answer: You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your being, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.  Jesus then goes on to speak the parable of the Good Samaritan, and answers the question of who is your neighbor, and tells how you are to love him by giving of yourself.

Eternal life is something which was merited for us by Jesus Christ, and is offered to us, but we can choose, by our actions (what must I do) whether to accept the offer or not.  And the choice has to do with who and how we choose to love.  And last (and least important) on the list of choices, is loving ourselves.    

We can wander around by ourselves, confident that we know the way we should go in our lives, but  if we walk alone we are walking with the rheostat turned fully down, in darkness.  It may still be possible for us to attain eternal life, but we also can easily stumble and fall in the darkness.  To find our way, we need to know “Where is God”.  The last step in Jesus’ answer of what me must do, love your neighbor, is actually the first step, the lowest step, we might take toward eternal life.  It is like turning up the rheostat a bit and suddenly seeing those around us --- we don’t necessarily appreciate it, but we are seeing them as they truly are, and loving them because of the light we now see.  The light is from God, the light bulb, but we will see the light as coming from them --- and in truth He is present in them in some manner, even as He is present in us.  Loving our neighbor gets us on the path to heaven more surely than wandering around in the dark, but unless we become aware of the full brightness of God, and He shines in our heart and all of our being, unless He is our strength and helping shape our thoughts, our destination is still far from sure.

And in helping us to love, Jesus gave us His Church and the sacraments, and even Himself:  “He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.” (Jn 6:54) 

And oh the light shall be bright then, as we love Him and our neighbors, together eternally.  And I will hug mom and all my relatives once again. 

Where is God?  He is in you, my friends and neighbors, and in the words I read about His life, and in His Church and sacraments, and in my heart.  When I want to ask where He is, I need only to go to those places, and I will find Him.  Sometimes those who shout the loudest “Where is God?” are the ones shouting into the darkness, alone.  They demand to see him, but they won’t turn up the light.  He is right there in the room with them, but they won’t look up.

I pray for God’s mercy on them, that perhaps He may suddenly flash before their eyes and they can see, even as He did to me.