Staying A Priest

“Lord I am not worthy to receive you,” I pray each day before receiving communion. I pray that prayer most sincerely and deliberately, for I know I am a sinner, and despite my resolutions otherwise, I will always remain one. The tempter is there, and despite my will to ignore him, I hear his call. And I am no one; I am a common man. I know in my heart that Jesus loves me deeply and eternally; how could the evil one desire me as much? But he seems so often present.

No, no. That is my pride speaking. I am not wanted in love by Satan, but only in Envy. “To those whom much is given, much will be expected.” To the degree I use God’s gifts, and return them to Him, perhaps with even more, I may in some small way sometimes live up to His expectations, His love. I choose to have blessings and give them back to the Father in the same way a mentally-challenged child does, who smiles back at his father and says, “I love you, father.” He can’t give much, but it pleases the Father. I also try to give what I have.

Satan is envious of me; he who received so much, so much more than I, and yet could not return it to the Father, much less with interest. No, he greedily kept all that he was given --- and wanted more. He’s envious that sometimes God shows me His affection, for he gets none. Satan doesn’t love me so much that he wants me in hell with him, no he only wants that the Father not love me, or me the Father. In envy, he does not lust for what I have, no, he only wants the pleasure of seeing me not have it.

But if he who had so much and lost it, wishes the same fate befall me, who have so little, what must he feel about the first sons of God, those whom He has called in a special way, with special gifts, with a deep, special love? What must Satan feel towards priests and those who choose a life focused not on earthly pleasures, but only the pleasure of pleasing God? What must he think of those who have the strength to continue in the Father’s service, when he who was among His strongest, could not?

I know of priests who have left their vocation. Perhaps they really didn’t have a priestly vocation, so some say. I’m sure that’s what the tempter said to them, but not only occasionally as I am targeted, but almost constantly. I’m sure Satan would love to see me fall of the cliff, out of the Father’s love. But oh the joy he must feel if he can lead a shepherd off the cliff, because so many sheep will follow.

The shepherd’s life must, at times, be a lonely one. Out in the pastures, no comforting home in sight, and with the responsibility for sheep, sheep who almost always seem to be in trouble. And there are so many! Surely he must be tempted: “Yes, that one is wandering, but he’ll probably be okay as I nap for a while.” He must think, “Look at all the new young ones --- I’ll leave them in their parent’s care.” And sometimes, even in the night, he must think: “What was that noise? I must have been imagining it. Surely there aren’t any wolves around here.”

And, sadly, some shepherds must think: “It’s lonely out here. No one comes to offer me relief, food for my journey, companionship. Is this the life I’m meant to live, alone like this? I have so many abilities; I could be doing so much more than this. Perhaps I could please my Father if I did something more visible, more important. Surely he would be pleased with that. And so would I.”

While a vocation to the priesthood must be hard to discern, staying a priest must be so much harder. My temptations must be nothing compared to theirs. If I could even think the question: “Perhaps he (Satan) might love me”, how much more must they be tempted by him --- and all he can get to help him. Even us.

How often the flock must ask: “Why don’t you get a misses priest; you can spend some time with her; we’ll be okay.” “Why don’t you take us closer to the house, or into other fields – come on, WE know the way.” “Why don’t you take some time off, we’ll be at a neighbors --- you can trust them.” “Rest some, take it easy, turn down all those requests for help. People need to learn to do things on their own and not be calling you all the time.” How often does the flock tempt him?

It’s hard to accept a Father’s love, his confidence in us, and be content with that, and just doing his will because we know that’s what He expects of us. Especially when our will seems so much more, well…, tempting.

I pray that priests not forget, during their long, sometimes lonely days, the feelings they remember in their hearts of long warm nights, snuggled in their father’s arm on the couch, the fire gently cracking in the fireplace, the music – soft as angels singing – in the background, as they tell dad about their day, and he listens and hugs them. I pray they remember that reward. That’s the supreme temptation they should give in to, to so much want their Father’s love, and His pleasure with them, that they would endure anything. Even us.

I pray that priests not work as stupid children work, just for an allowance, a quick reward for simple tasks like making the bed or washing their hands. No, I pray they remember the satisfaction of a hard day’s work and the receiving of a large paycheck at the end of a long week. I pray they not succumb to the desires for quick rewards, but dedicate themselves toward bigger rewards, and bigger pleasures.

I pray them remember there is a reason they chose to be – and stay – a priest. There is a reason.

P.S. Check out this new website, started on June 20, 2010: www.EncouragePriests.org