Peace

Orig: 09/29/08

How did I ever get to this point in my life where I am writing a blog to explain to you what I feel? I don’t pretend to understand this. Even the words “explain” and “feel” are somewhat foreign to me. Much of my life I’ve TOLD others of what I KNEW. I distained or even belittled others who acted out of feelings and emotion, when I acted out of reason and facts. Even, sadly, those whom I thought I loved the most. If I felt strongly about something it was because I had the facts to back it up, and usually the reason, logic, and force of personality to make others see and understand why I felt so strongly. In my work I was a good business analyst, in my home I was a good provider and ran my household in line with the virtues of the gospel, and in my church I was a leader in explaining the words of God and leading those who have in the care of others who do not. I was very confident I was right in my thoughts and actions. Bending my actions to the ideas of those who spoke from “feelings” was very difficult.

In all my righteousness I was wrong.

This blog should resonate with people like me. I’ve read thousands of books in my life, am current on a range of topics from philosophy to physics, from faith to the foundations of this country. I’ve fought for what I know to be the truth. I am a defender of liberty, the American way, the Gospel, and all the little people. I use all the knowledge I have gained in my life to make this world a better place. I care about others. I am a good American, good family man, good Catholic.

And I am wrong.

Perhaps long ago I should have seen the illogic of a key point in my thinking. I said I care about others -- and I lived my life that way. But caring is an emotion, that thing I don’t put much stock in. All the knowledge I gained in my life, if anything, should logically have led me to care about myself first. I should have used it to gain money, power, and honor, and used these things care about others. That makes sense to me; having resources I can better care for others. That’s how some people with my ability have lived their life, perhaps that’s how you’ve spent your life. Or perhaps you have just amassed the money and power for yourself. Maybe that’s why I am writing this blog and you are not; we are so much alike, perhaps, except for a little difference in our life’s focus. But logically, I cannot see why I did not turn out like you. Don’t take this wrong, but despite all your money, power or honor, I am happy I am who I am. Somehow, God used all the knowledge I obtained during my life and touched it with his grace, and I saw that despite all my knowledge, I didn’t know the Truth of things. With Wisdom there is Truth. I have much knowledge, and will continue to accumulate it all my life, but Wisdom is a gift. And with Wisdom comes peace. And it came as a grace, a gift. Perhaps there’s the error of my reasoning, grace is not reasonable. Grace is like a “feeling”, the feelings I argued against as illogical.

God has given me peace. I can’t logically explain it to you. It’s like quietly seeing the early morning sun rise over the river, and hearing the birds chirping softly in the trees. It’s like hearing the most beautiful symphony softly playing, and the fire in the fireplace. It’s like being held in the arms of my mother when I was small and so unsure of things. It’s like holding my dying sister’s hand and her smiling at me and saying “I’m ready”, and both of us happy for each other. It’s like words can’t explain. And despite all the many wonderful things that have happened to me in my life, or even all the wonderful things that could have happened, I wouldn’t trade any of them for the peace I feel right now. And I want you to feel that peace too. It’s a reason for my writing

Do you spend much of your life arguing about things? Explaining what you know or believe to others who just can’t seem to get it? Have you ever said or thought these words in defense of yourself to another: “You don’t KNOW me?” Do you worry that you’re not being understood – by your boss, the politician across the aisle from you, or the person on the other side of your bed? Do you feel frustrated? One of the greatest difficulties we have in our life is being understood by another – our children, our spouse, our co-workers, our priest, and perhaps even for some of us, our God.

I’ve felt alone in me, the real me, many times in my life. In the quiet of my room reflecting on my life, it’s sometimes a sad place to be. It opens the door to many memories of things I wish I could have done better, words I should have spoken, what might have been. When I think on God, I wonder what he thinks of me. Have I been a failure? Are these thoughts just useless musings of the failures of life we all have – no one is perfect, least of all me. But God knows I am trying! I know he reads my heart and hears me. If I am taking the graces he has given me and using them the best I can, isn’t that enough?

I think it is.

As I look at the words at the top of this page, “Do Not Be Anxious”, I realize it is a good title for these words. How to look at the past, how to look at the future. With Peace.

Peace be to you, my friends.