Do You Love Me?

Do you love me? … Yes, Lord; you know that I love you. Jn21:15

Peter answered the Lord’s question from his heart. The question was not an intellectual one, to be answered with thinking or logic. Peter could have answered: “Yes, Lord, but I really don’t understand some of your teachings or why you’re not raising an army to fight the Romans right now”. There are a few people who say he should have answered that way, since that likely was one of his concerns. But the second answer would have been Peter as a human addressing Jesus as a human. It would have been a mistake, but it’s one which we, ourselves, often make.

Love is not just a sensual or thinking, a human body, reaction to another human being. You can love a rose, your dog, or the weather. You can love/lust another human body. There different words for those types of “love” in Latin; the Latin helps clarify things (see C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves). The “love” which Jesus questioned Peter about, however, was none of the examples I gave. Jesus was talking about a spiritual love, a Godly love. Jesus was asking Peter: “Do you love me as much as I love you?” As much as he was capable of loving to that degree, Peter answered “Yes”. Peter understood the question, and the appropriate answer. So often we don’t.

If your wife asked you: “Do you love me?” you could answer as Peter did, or you could say: “Yes, but you know your butt is getting a little large lately.” The latter answer would be, perhaps, a logical and well-thought out truth, but it wouldn’t be appropriate at all – unless you desired sleeping on the couch for a few nights. You don’t have to figure out that answer, you KNOW what is appropriate. Love is not a “truth” of the moment, to be answered with logic and reasoning. “Do you love me” is not a question like: “What time is it now?” The Godly love being asked about has grown over the past, and is growing over the future. It is a state of being, better described by a question like “Do you breathe air?” You can tone up your body to breathe air more efficiently; you can tone up your will to love more deeply. You can, and must, grow in love, or like the body without air, love will die. God asking “Do you love me” is like him asking “Are you alive or dead to me?”

Some friends were discussing the Nativity story in the Gospels, and were stuck on Joseph’s dreams. They were logically considering Joseph’s reactions to his dreams: to trust that Mary was pregnant – “don’t worry about that Joseph”, and to “get up and take your family to Egypt – now!” My friends discussed the faith of Joseph versus their own. “I don’t have any dreams that I immediately go out and do”. “I’m always asking God for things, but he never has talked to me – how do I hear this voice like Joseph did? I listen for that small, still voice, but I hear nothing.” Their discussion soon turned into frustration-driven laughter at the questions. The real answer, however, is that Joseph did not only react out of faith, he reacted out of love. My friends were confusing their reactions to God, with Joseph’s. It’s a mistake we all sometimes make, in part because we’re confused about faith and love.

If we ask God a question, to intervene for us, to lighten our cross, to give us an answer, we are often treating God as we would treat another human being, like our boss or some other authority. We have a faith in them, and trust their answers. “Boss, can you fix this problem? Boss, I can’t get all this work done, what should come first? ” Or even, “Teacher, he hit me.” Yes, our relationship with God often hasn’t changed much since we were little children. Often we treat him as the authoritative answer man. But if we are loving God, if we are growing in love with God, our relationship SHOULD be changing. And we shouldn’t just have a faith in him, we should have a growing Love for him. Our prayers and the answers we seek should reflect that.

Do you ask your wife: “Can you fix this problem?” Do you ask her: “I can’t get all this work done, what should come first?” I suspect not often. You, through your love, know her desires. And if you do ask such questions, most likely the answer will be a nod, a shrug, or a raised eyebrow. And you’ll know what that means, because you love this person and know what she LIKELY wants, and the answers to your questions don’t have to be long drawn-out, explicit responses. You know from the little signal; it settles all your doubts. And even if you aren’t sure what that little response meant, you will take action as if you did. Your love spreads to a trust of her, and her of you. Even if you did something wrong through a misunderstanding, she will know your heart. It will not be a problem. This is love, and how love reacts.

Our relationship with God should be the same. We can ask him questions; we can ask for help. The answers we seek, however, shouldn’t be a voice from the sky, or a sign by the side of the road – or a dream. It should be the little nod, the whisper in our heart. After seeking his help or response, we should then act according to the small opportunities he gives us, and use our knowledge of him to act as we KNOW he would be inclined to tell us. It’s how you treat someone you love. And if you received no discernable answer and you have no idea what God might will? Well, perhaps that is the answer, and it is best to do nothing. He’ll read your heart. He’ll know you’re trying to do his will. He’ll know you love him.

The start to understanding the answers to your prayers is not to be searching for miracles, but by searching, in love, throughout your life, to know God. Knowing him, his word, his actions, will not only help you understand him better, it will help you grow in love with him more. And then you won’t have to ask many questions, you’ll know the answers. You’ll respond to his nods with love.

As you deal with your wife, often asking her not for what YOU want, but giving her what you think SHE wants, acting in love, is the way you should deal with God. And for all you give your wife which she doesn’t ask for, she will love you more. And for all you give to God which he doesn’t ask for, he will love you more.

Love is not about what you want; it’s about what you want to give.

“Do you love me” is not a question which has to be asked. Actions speak louder than words.