Choosing Friends

I saw a man last night; he looked like a lonely man. I offered him friendship; he politely declined and walked away with his head down in worry. I walked into the chapel and thought further on some things I considered yesterday.

The world has many sayings about friends. “Choose your friends wisely. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. A true friend is a rare thing.” These are all good words and correct in many ways. I believe friends are critically important in this life, from our temporary happiness here --- in all our definitions of happiness: joy, laughter, fulfillment, love – to our eternal happiness with God. Friends are a crucial help in our journey through life, but what about when I am alone, and I see no friends?

For many of us friendship seems elusive. Some so despair they say: “No one loves me” – that’s an obvious lie. Some search for friends in bars, in clubs, or in church groups. Some so desperately want friends they seek them on the internet, running counts of them on their Facebook or other webpage – as if the one with the most “friends” is the happiest. Some of us search so wildly for friendship because we don’t know the meaning of friendship, and wouldn’t recognize a friend if we had one, even if he were a most loyal one.

Most people think of friendship, on a basic level, as a kind of bartering, a fair trading of something: I give something to them and they give something to me – we both gain something from our “friendship”. But that is not friendship in the way God recognizes it. For God, all friendship has an element of love, of something freely given. A bartering transaction has elements of need and reluctance in it; one of the parties needs something and reluctantly parts with money or some other asset to get it. This need and reluctance of bartering is totally contrary to the free giving of real friendship, so if we are thinking that we “need” friends and are actively seeking them, we may indeed find them, but it is unlikely. We don’t know what they look like, nor act like.

God sees friendship as a giving, and not necessarily getting anything back in return; it’s almost more like a gamble than a sure thing. It’s like saying to an orchard owner: “I’ll pay you some money for your fruit, and when it ripens in the fall you can give me some --- if your remember.” God gave us life and continues to give us grace in this manner of friendship. He asks for something back, but it is up to us to respond. Made in His image, we should follow His pattern of friendship in our relationship with others --- but that is not how the world, focused on taking and getting things, views relationships. The world values a relationship like it values barter, it’s only good if you get something back (and ideally something of more value than what you HAD to give).

The examples I gave of lonely people searching for friendship, seeking someone to be a friend to them, seeking someone who will give them some type of emotional comfort, is the opposite of how we were created to relate to others. You don’t choose friends, you offer friendship. It’s not about YOU, it’s about them; they are worthy of your friendship because they are made in God’s image, as you are. Recognizing the importance of others, you act in a friendly manner to them. And they may accept your offers of friendship – or not. There is that risk in making the offer. You may smile in passing at one, and they may smile back – a tiny but not insignificant tie of friendship. For another you may take time from your busy life and offer consolation to them in their trials, and they may never forget your kindness – a friend for life. And yet another may ignore you.

This risk in giving is real, and sometimes there is no reward but pain. That is part of the risk; a friendship that advances to love is even more risky. You may donate money to a wonderful charity and put in long volunteer hours and discover the head has embezzled millions, to the detriment of the poor you thought were being helped. Yes, that happens. But you may also spend time with the poor, the weak, or the sick thinking there will be no friendship in return for your giving, but a stranger sees your good work and changes his life, and comes back to God or maybe to his family, and he thanks you -- a deep friendship formed, even if it may never have a further interaction.

We don’t get friends; we are friends. We offer friendship in our actions toward all who cross our life’s path. Like the parable of The Sower, we sow seeds of friendship, some to be ignored, some to have great results we may never see, and yes, some of which may come back to feed us. God doesn’t choose us like the manager of the baseball team chooses the best players – and the ones not chosen feel left out and hurt. No God offers to all: “Hey! Come play on my team; I’ve got just the spot for you.” Even if we can’t hit so well, even if we can’t field so well, even if we don’t know how the game is played, He has just the spot for us – and we are needed right there, so that the team can be complete.

Sometimes I am so disheartened by what I see in the world, so many people just “going through life.” Some just fill the hours with anything and anyone, thinking that this is how life is to be lived: busy doing something, anything. Some are busy doing all those things they “have to do”, and there is a never-ending list of things to do for those will do if asked – they think they are the important ones to do these tasks and they try to do everything. Their image of Jesus that they want to copy is someone who cured all the ills of the world --- He didn’t. They think He worked to make friends with everyone in the world – He didn’t. They think He gave salvation to everyone in the world – He didn’t. He offered healing; He offered friendship; He offered salvation. Some turned the offers down, and some wouldn’t hear of them, but through Him the offer would spread through the world. Imitating Him, we can continue to spread the offer. Our offerings of friendship are a continuation of His work in this world.

God offered us to be His friends, so that we could choose Him. He offered so that we could receive. And He continues to offer to us, as we should continue to offer to others. And true friendships, eternal friendships, may result.