It's All About Me

I AM <=======> Lord, Who am I?

I noticed those words, written so many years ago on the blank front page of my breviary. I think I’ve been saying that prayer, in many ways, in many forms, for many, many years. And sometimes I believe I get an answer – and I don’t like it.


It happened again tonight. The McDonald’s where I stop for coffee on the way to church said I’d have to wait while they made coffee, but I didn’t allow time in my journey to wait. “Wait?” I ranted. “I’m here every Saturday at 11:30 buying coffee. For four years I’ve been coming here every Saturday at the same time --- can’t anyone remember that?” And so I pulled away, irritated, despite already having paid. And that petty irritation stayed with me to the church, and into my rosary. Then a thought came to me about why I was irritated, and I paused in my prayers (well, in truth I wasn’t really praying in God’s presence, I was merely stewing in mine.)

It’s all about me. I suddenly realized why I sometimes get irritated and sometimes not: it’s all about me. In some dark part of me, that is who I am. If someone fails meet my standards, delays my timing, or isn’t as smart as me in something I view as important, there is a fair likelihood that I’ll become irritated --- not directly at them, but that they are not like me, and they don’t act or think like me! Good grief, what a poor standard that is, yet unfortunately I realized it is often the standard I set for people: be as good (or bad) as I am. Your weakness isn’t about you; it’s all about how it impacts me.

You don’t have my math skills and so you slowly count out my change in the checkout line --- I think: “You idiot!” You’re driving 40 mph in a 55 zone --- moron! You can’t remember I told you to have coffee ready at the same time for 4 years in a row --- stupid! You can’t figure out the financial impacts of some bills you voted on in Congress --- you political hack! Oh, I don’t actually say those nasty words (well, okay, I RARELY say them), but in my irritation I often think them. I get irritated because you don’t act or think like I do.

And when I read the words I just wrote about someone who is irritated because others are not like him, I think: You fathead! I don’t want to be like that person, who unfortunately is me.

I can be a very caring, sympathetic ear to turn to if you are suffering or deeply concerned about something: a death or illness, love forsaken, friends abandoning you, difficult church teachings, and maybe even the difficulties with just living life. You can talk to me; I understand because I’ve felt those things --- I sometimes still do. You need money or help, you can call on me – I’ve needed those things. Even if you don’t realize it when you call me, I think you’re just like me.

But as for you people who are different from me, who irritate me because you do stupid things, well…. I can try to be sympathetic, but it’s going to be hard. I never missed math classes because I had to drop out of school to work. I’ve never driven way under the speed limit just because I’m troubled by some deep worry, or perhaps had one too many drinks (well, maybe I did do that last thing once – or twice.) I’ve never forgotten to do important routine things, like making coffee, or sincerely being sorry for my sins, --- or telling someone that I love them --- (I never have forgotten those things, have I?). And I’ve never been so overwhelmed by my work that I didn’t do research which I could have, or did a sloppy report, or allowed myself to get irritated because things weren’t just the way I wanted them to be. That’s not me, is it?

But I’m afraid it is. There are so many weaknesses I have, but perhaps one of the biggest is that I sometimes wish people would have the same level of knowledge and empathy I have. What I SHOULD be wishing for however (no, what I should be praying for), is that I am aware of the knowledge level and empathy that they DO have, and that I might take God’s grace to me and pass it on to them, not in the form or irritating remarks or scowling faces, but in empathy for their weaknesses, for their trials, for the fact that they may not be as blessed with God’s bounty as I am. If I really think I am so good in some ways, then it is not for me to be angry that someone else is not, but rather for me to go forth and help them become better – or excuse their weaknesses which they cannot control.

If I am to be an instrument of God’s peace, I need peace myself, not irritation. One of the ways to get that peace is to start with the recognition that my life, the important part of it, is not all about me. It’s about them, my neighbors, those guys I am commanded to love.

It’s NOT all about me. I think now I can start my rosary again.

And as I prayed the third Glorious Mystery (The Descent of the Holy Spirit), I read: “Love come to me, that I might be love to others.” Amen. I think I’ve already meditated on that one.

P.S.
As I stood and prayed this morning: “As we forgive those who trespass against us,” my mind flittered to those who had caused me irritation --- and I suddenly realized they didn’t need forgiveness. They were just being who they are. I stood ready to forgive them, but they had committed no sin against me. It was I who had sinned against them.

And as I walked slowly to Communion, I prayed: “Lord, forgive me, a sinner.”