Growing Pains

Lord, I am not worthy.

I think that’s been my silent prayer on many things. This morning I heard in a loud clear voice a response to that prayer: “Sez who??”

Recently I had written here some clarifying thoughts on what I expected of others, and how when they sometimes didn’t live up to my expectations I became irritated with them. But then I realized that I was focusing on their weakness as some wrong, when I should have been focusing on my unreasonable expectations of them, that I should want them to be someone who they were not. This morning, just as I saw a weakness in them that was not there, I realized that sometimes I saw a weakness in myself that was not there. But while I tended to blame others for their weakness, I made my weakness out to be a good thing; I was just being humble.

Surely humility is a good virtue to be blessed with, but not when it masks God’s call to action for us. Just as I had for my neighbor, God sometimes has expectations for me, and for you – He made us and He really DOES know what we can do. But sometimes we don’t do them. I wonder if He gets irritated at us, as I did at my neighbor?

Over the past year or so I have felt God’s urging to do a few things, good things, and the urgings came repeatedly and in a variety of ways. I heard His call, and so I set out to make those things happen. They were big things; things I had never done, but I knew I had the organizing skills to make them happen, and so I enlisted some experts, ones who could do this thing in an excellent way. I organized the tasks, established a timetable, and said: “Let’s go.” I was ready to put the work of these experts together, as I had done on so many times in the past, and create an excellent result for God. Only a funny thing happened along the way of this work for God. When I enlisted these experts’ aid, they were encouraging and offered prays for the effort, but politely declined to help. While I saw these things as important works of God, they saw other things as more important. While other teams I had led worked with and for my company, these people didn’t see me as a leader in the company of God.

And so I subtly began to question my general: “Lord, I am failing to help bring about this task you asked of me. Perhaps, Lord, I am not worthy.” Maybe my organizational skills aren’t as good as I thought; maybe I’m not that good of a leader. Maybe YOU need to convince the experts to help me. Maybe, if I don’t get help, maybe this really wasn’t Your will. Such was my state of mind this morning after I led a meeting to move forward on one of these tasks, God’s tasks, a meeting of volunteers in which only I showed up. I was enthusiastic to lead others forward; but obviously they were not enthusiastic to follow. I was alone, and acutely felt it.

Later in the morning I was reminded of some other good works God had done through me --- I read encouraging words for what I had done, but in my heart I was feeling: “but not this time.” That was when a true friend dropped by for our weekly prayer meeting. I spoke of my doubts; I explained my vision of what God wanted, and the events that seemed to say: “But it ain’t gonna happen.” I was at my lowest, and expressed perhaps “I am not worthy.” My friend’s response was quick (and loud!): “Sez who?”

When I started to explain again how others weren’t cooperating to make this thing happen, she quickly cut off my very logical argument: “I thought you said God called you to make this happen.” Well, yes, but others aren’t cooperating and … “Wait a minute, you said He called YOU to make it happen.” Well, yes, but I don’t know much about some of these things, and it will take experts to … “Do you think God chose you, and wouldn’t give you what you need to make it happen?” Well, no, I have these organizing skills but … “He can’t give you other skills, or bring out ones you just haven’t used yet?” Well, yes, but … “Do you think God asked YOU to do this good thing, knowing you would fail?” (There was a long pause in the conversation here.) No, I answered.

There was more silence as we both thought. She pointed out many things that had already been put into place to enable me to accomplish the tasks before me. God put my mom in my care, and led me to retire from my previous work --- and have more time for His. He gave me new networks of friends and business contacts which would support these new tasks, His tasks. Together we began to see how these tasks, if done by me, might be accomplished, not in ways I had planned, but in ways He had planned. And so I will go forward to do these things, things I know I cannot do. Yes, I may fail because of my lacking of some skills, but I know I can accomplish many things when I put my mind to them. Perhaps tasks won’t be done as good as they could have been --- but perhaps they will be done as good as God intended them.

Yes, the old saying is true: “It’s hard to be humble.” But sometimes, it’s also too easy, when we use humility as an excuse to avoid a task we think we might fail in.

Looking back on this very serious time, a time when I struggled to do God’s will --- as I planned it (without His input), I almost have to laugh. The first thing I sought to do for Him involved providing others opportunities to love their neighbor, opportunities to answer His call. The second involved telling the wonderful stories of those who DID answer his call, a most difficult call, to do something they had never done --- and He greatly blessed their work. In these tasks I was looking to tell others to answer His call no matter how difficult --- and look at what I did. Was I an example of the blind leading the blind, or just the jackass who needed to be hit on the head to get his attention? I don’t know. Perhaps these are all just growing pains in my growth in holiness, in my learning to love – and trust, Him. I most often pray for Wisdom, and sometimes for Humility. Perhaps I need to occasionally pray for Courage and Perseverance, so that truly THY will, not mine, be done.

And so after writing I read the Hymn in my Evening Prayer, noticing again words I had underlined long ago:

Day is done, but love unfailing
Dwells ever here;
Shadows fall, but hope, prevailing,
Calms every fear.
Loving Father, none forsaking,
Take our hearts, of Love’s own making,
Watch our sleeping, guard our waking,
Be always near.

You are with us, ever lending
New strength to sight;
May we see, in love’s possessing,
Love’s endless light!

God of love, all evil quelling,
Sin forgiving, fear dispelling,
Stay with us, our hearts indwelling,
This eventide.


We have many fears, my friends, but if we just try to answer His call, he will stay with us, our hearts indwelling. He will help us to grow in His image, even if that growth is sometimes painful. Do not be anxious; there is nothing to fear, except … ourself.