Caregivers

Lord, how often shall …I forgive? … seventy times seven … (Mt 18:21-2)

We are often sinned against, sometimes by strangers, sometimes by people who just have it in for us – and maybe we don’t understand why, and sometimes even by those closest to us. We often painfully see and hear these sins against us: mean actions, hateful words, cruel things deliberately done, and designed to hurt us. And they DO hurt. And, as Jesus said, we must forgive. I think however, that sometimes we only perceive others’ sins against us, sins we see as committed over and over again in a way that almost makes us cry out to God: “Lord, how can I forgive him? He just won’t stop! Surely he’s passed seventy times seven already, do I have to forgive him?” I think in many of these cases God’s answer to us would be: No.

1) - We come home from a very rotten day at work, the traffic was bad, the news was bad, and then our wife goes on and on about HER problems and the kids: “Doesn’t she care about me,” we think. 2) - The kids scream and yell and cry and just can’t shut up: “Don’t they know I have a headache --- and they gave it to me?” 3) - I prepared a homily all afternoon; these words are important and need to be said --- and heard ---and I’m trying to be precise: “Why are those people staring off into space, yawning, or reading the church bulletin?” 4) - I spend all my day worrying about how I can love him, how I can and do jump to his every need and whim, how I can ease his pain and suffering: “Why do you sometimes yell at me? Why do you sometimes ignore me? Why aren’t you happy --- despite all my efforts?”

I think we often perceive, in all of the situations of the above paragraph, that we were sinned against. We felt mean hateful actions, or cruel things designed to hurt us --- just like the situations in the first paragraph, but there is a crucial difference. In the first paragraph those people intended to sin against us, while in the second we felt sinned against. In the first, we must indeed forgive the seventy times seven times – and more, but in the second we don’t have to forgive them because they have not deliberately done anything wrong. We have to forgive ourselves.

We have to forgive ourselves that sometimes our best actions and intentions aren’t perceived that way – sometimes they’re not perceived at all. We have to forgive ourselves for needing love. The spouse who complains to us, the unruly kids, the members of our church, the loved one we care for – they all do love us, and very often we know that. But sometimes we just need to hear that; we need hear that we are loved – kind of like a reinforcement, to recharge us, but we don’t hear it. Sometimes we need to feel loved, and unfortunately at that exact time they ALSO need to feel loved --- and so neither does.

Make no mistake, my friends, they did not sin against you because their need for love, and you did not sin against them either. It is no sin to want or need love. Needing and giving love is both a natural thing and a commandment. But what do you do then, at those times when you need love and yet don’t get it? How can you live some days without a needed love? How can you not feel sinned against, and perhaps angry at the perceived sinner?

Well, there is no universal answer to those questions, but when those situations arise I try to think of my need for love as a kind of hunger, and then solutions begin to come to me. If I am hungry for a fattening or unhealthy food or drink, I sometimes exercise or go out for a drive, or call a friend. If I am hungry for some sinful temptation, I distract myself by turning on the TV, reading a book, or cooking dinner. Or in any case (unfortunately) as a last resort, I pray. If I am hungry and it cannot be satisfied, I can find a way to distract myself from that hunger; I need to do the same if I am hungry for love and it cannot be satisfied.

I addressed this particular meditation title to caregivers, because I think they have it hardest, this unrequited need to feel loved. The uncaring, mean, angry, or totally unresponsive loved one who they care for, who they sometimes feel is sinning against them, is at no fault, and the caregiver knows it. The diseases of old age (and sometimes young) aren’t sinful against them, they just are. And the suggestions I wrote, the ways to get away from a frustrating, unloved situation often don’t apply to the caregiver. They can’t leave; they can’t stop caring; they can’t stop giving love, often to someone who can’t give it back --- no matter how much the caregiver needs it. The caregiver often cannot become distracted. Often the caregiver can only pray, and we should pray for them, and all who feel unloved, and need desperately to feel loved.

I have one final possible distraction that perhaps even caregivers feeling a need for love might try: laugh. Laugh to forget the love your family, your church members, your loved one can’t give you at this moment. Remember a joke, smile and tell the spouse or kids: “I love you, even when you’re having a bad day,” tell the church members: “Well, I’ll stop here. There’s not much more to be said, and I don’t want to put you or me to sleep. Praise God for His goodness,” or tell the loved one you are caring for: “You know, I love you. Do you remember the funny time when …”

Sometimes remembered laughs are better than none.

Or maybe you can just think about other things, or talk to a cow.